Stevieslaw: The Diminishing Need for the Poor.
Branden Rand, spokesperson for the newly formed Council of the Exceptionally Rich, has never been afraid to voice his opinion. Now in his new book, Robots and the End of Poverty, he argues that the poorer classes will be extinct across the planet by 2037. His simple thesis is that the functions now performed by the poor can more easily and efficiently be done by robots. In a recent interview, Mr. Rand noted that, “sure the poor are colorful, but their constant whining about rights to this and rights to that, and their inability to be content with their station have made them a burden to the exceptionally rich.” “Clearly, robots can perform their duties better, and any nostalgic charm that might be lost with the extinction of the poor can be suitably preserved by the media, so that the rich might enjoy it at their leisure—wistfully looking back at the good old days that never really were, so to speak.”
Not all the incredibly rich are enchanted with Mr. Rand’s prediction of the future. Joan Stevens, Chairperson of the Private Prison Association, says “the elimination of the poor—and in particular, the minority poor, will be absolutely devastating to our industry.” “I think it is highly unlikely that we will be able to treat robots as despicably as we treat the poor; for example, by locking them up in droves.” “Private prisons for rogue robots sounds more like a science fiction fantasy.” Some fraction of the unbelievably rich, as represented by Miles Sakney—chairman of “FrackThis, Inc., also noted that, “for many of us the suffering of the poor is a distinct pleasure that will be hard to give up.”
Branden Rand, while acknowledging that some small number of the amazingly rich will suffer, responded briefly that, “You know, omelets—eggs.” As a corollary to his argument, Mr. Rand expects that the “worker bees”—the middle class will be extinct by 2050, after first descending into poverty. “Think, student loans,” he said with his expansive smile. Professionals, doctors and lawyers and such, will take a bit longer to snuff out. Again, Mr. Rand says, “do you really feel we can’t teach robots to do what doctors do?” “We might, in fact, find it easier to instill a little decent bedside manner in a robotic physician.” “In the end, we will be left with the exceptionally talented,” he continued. “But programming two exceptionally well-matched robotic football squads should not be difficult, and would eliminate the need for some of the unabashedly wealthy to continue to rout for the Jets.”
“By 2075, I expect the planet to be inhabited by no more than 50,000 stinkingly rich people, whose every need is instantaneously satisfied by a gaggle of robots,” he said with a smile. To those who don’t make the cut, Mr. Rand could only offer up a “tough nooggies” and an endearing little grin.