Stevieslaw: Zombie Justice
Senate Republicans decided this morning to change their strategy. Said Mitch McConnell spokesperson, D. Perat Times, “We have been uncharacteristically negative in opposing the appointment of a new Supreme Court Justice.
“Senate Republicans, after much thought, have unanimously decided that the most qualified person to sit on the bench, during the remaining months of the Obama Presidency, is still Antonin Scalia,” Perat said with a smile that highlighted years of expensive dental work. “So what if he is technically dead.”
“There is good precedent,” Mr. Times went on to note. “Clarence Thomas has been on the bench for roughly 25 years and, at best, he is only technically alive.”
Mr. Times pointed out that Scalia was the Court’s most consistent conservative member, so that his decisions on cases currently before the court, such as abortion rights and clean air regulations, are obvious and unarguable.
“Any two guys at the Heritage Foundation can write his brief,” continued D.P. “Obama has done everything in his power to wreck our nation,” he said with a bewildering grin, “We can not afford to have him appoint a liberal justice on a mere technicality.