Stevieslaw: Our advice for surviving until Election Day

Here at Stevieslaw, we will not insult your intelligence by suggesting you might shut off your TV and Radio, put your internet devices in a safety deposit box, and stop answering your phone or doorbell. IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT. The campaign has been absorbed by the air we breathe and the water we drink. You can’t hide from it—on this planet.

No. In thinking over what our friends have been telling us over the last few days, we are struck by a common theme. People we know are not saying, “hello” or “how are you.” They simple tell us, over and over again, “my stomach hurts.”

So, we just want to let you know that in State College, the best buy for Pepto-Bismol—that life saving pink liquid, is at the Sam’s Club on the Benner Pike. At Sam’s, you can get four giant size bottles in one package for a very good price. In addition, they will help you carry the stuff to your car. We are assured, by the only mathematician not currently calculating voting probabilities—our own Cousin Myron, that the four bottle will be enough to keep a family of four out of the emergency room until Tuesday night at 11.

Those of us without significant faith often turn to our singer songwriters for comfort and wisdom. Here, we share the Simon and Garfunkle song: American Tune, which has been running in my head all day:

“American Tune”

Many’s the time I’ve been mistaken, and many times confused
Yes and I’ve often felt forsaken, and certainly misused
Ah but I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m just weary thru my bones
Still you don’t expect to be bright and bon-vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home

And I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered
I don’t have a friend who feels at ease
I don’t know a dream that’s not been shattered or driven to its knees
But it’s alright, it’s alright, for we live so well, so long
Still, when I think of the road we’re traveling on
I wonder what’s gone wrong, I can’t help it I wonder what’s gone wrong

And I dreamed I was dying, I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me, smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying, and high up above my eyes could clearly see
The statue of liberty, sailing away to sea, and I dreamed I was flying

But we come on a ship they called Mayflower
We come on a ship that sailed the moon
We come in the ages’ most uncertain hours and sing an American tune
And it’s alright, oh it’s alright, it’s alright, you can be forever blessed
Still tomorrow’s gonna be another working day and I’m trying to get some rest
That’s all I’m trying, to get some restS