#14 Fall•Winter 2017

I have three poems in the current issue.

Word Fountain

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Stevieslaw: All Tied Up in Alabama

Stevieslaw: All Tied Up in Alabama

Roy Moore’s legal team announced triumphantly this morning that they had located four women in Huntsville and five in Tuscaloosa willing to swear they were not abused by the judge. “We believe we can find a woman in the great state of Alabama willing to swear that Roy did not abuse her for every one that says he did,” said a spokesperson. “That’s huge,” he said.

Conservative radio hosts have immediately picked up on the news as have Moore/Trump supporters. Said 75 year old Judd Grace, sitting on a bench outside a gas station near Tuscaloosa, “It don’t seem fair that them liberals on the T.V. aren’t spending equal time talking about the women Old Moore didn’t abuse. “Not fair,” he concluded.

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Stevieslaw: Forgiving the Forgetful

Stevieslaw: Forgiving the Forgetful

Mary Sessions testified before the House Judiciary Committee today as a collaborative witness. She testified that her husband Jeff was among the most forgetful people she had ever met.

“I spend half of every day running around the house, searching for his wallet, his keys or his phone,” she said.

Mrs. Sessions went on to describe the amusing scene at the Washington Populist Club on K-street. All of
Trump’s circle as well as members of his immediate family belong to the club.

“It’s pretty funny,” she said. “All evening long, family and friends are rushing in and out of the front door clutching missing hats, rain coats, wallets and keys,” she continued. “Some of the wives are back and forth to the club three or four times on an evening,” she said with a smile.

“The wives call it the ‘Amnesia Club,’” she said.

Mary went on to tell the committee that forgetting the names of the people you’ve spoken to or dined with is also an endearing feature of the club members.

“Often Jeff will come home and tell me I had dinner with what’s his name—you know, the blonde one,” she said with a chuckle.

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Stevieslaw: Evolution in the “barefoot and pregnant belt.”

Stevieslaw: Evolution in the “barefoot and pregnant belt.”

Here at Stevieslaw, we are constantly amazed at the power of evolution. We could never have predicted that the same bible thumpers who would have hung Roy Moore from an oak tree in the public square for messing with teenage girls, a mere 50 years ago, now consider him the best candidate for the Senate ever.

That’s progress?

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Stevieslaw: Honest Hypocrisy

Stevieslaw: Honest Hypocrisy

Some Senate Republicans have cautiously moved away from their candidate for Senate in Alabama, Roy Moore. That, after charges that Moore preyed on teenage girls surfaced this week. Still, Republican Senators are careful to start and finish every sentence with an “If it’s true.” Try it. It’s hard to do.

Alabama Republican leaders seem less likely to abandon Moore. They are sure that Moore will still win the election, although his margin of victory is likely to suffer a tad.

Said Republican Party Spokesperson, Monu Ment, “Roy fought the good fight to keep a monument of the Ten Commandments, that he commissioned, from being removed from the Alabama Judicial Building. “McLuhan said,’the medium is the message,’” he noted. “And here is Alabama, and across the South, we’d like to modify that to “the monument is the message.”

“With that in mind, we are pleased to announce a new movement—one, that will sweep patriotic South.”

“MONUMENTS MATTER.”

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Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron promises Paradise for S. Central Brooklyn

Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron promises paradise for South Central Brooklyn

Cousin Myron, the red-headed, math whizz, who made a fortune with a progressive betting scheme on the ponies, runs a tax preparation service in the Brooklyn neighborhoods of Brownsville and East New York that he still calls home. The service is been free to residents. You may recall that Myron has memorized the entire tax code—some umpteen thousand pages—and has shown time and again that IRS agents are no match for him.

I was leafing through the South Central Brooklyn gazette today and was surprised to see that Myron had placed a full page ad for his service. I was even more surprised to read in the ad that Myron was guaranteeing that no one using his service would ever pay a red cent in income tax.

And then, just like that, I understood. Myron had read the Paradise Papers. You know, the latest leak of 13 million documents, that describes in detail how the rich and famous get out of paying taxes. Today’s release shows how the wealthy move trillions of dollars through off-shore tax havens to avoid doing things like, you know, help fund the schools or health care.

I spoke with Myron later in the day. He has just opened a dozen or so off-shore tax havens for the not rich. They all have characteristic Myron name like “Schnook’s Haven.”

“It’s gotten to the point where the only people actually paying taxes are those who can’t afford to,” wailed my socially conscious cousin. “That stops now—at least in my neck of the woods,” he said.

“Folk without means cannot figure out how to navigate the tax system. And, they can’t afford to hire people who can,” he continued. “That changes today,” he said.

“No one in South Central Brooklyn will pay any income tax, until the rich start to,” he vowed.

“Not a penny,” he cackled and added in an entirely different voice—“lunch?”

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Stevieslaw: Only in America

America

Today, we learned that Wayne LaPierre, of the NRA, will start a weekly syndicated column in over 200 newspapers. The column will most likely be called “Our thoughts and prayers,” and be presented alongside the column by Cal Thomas.

“We are only concerned,” said LaPierre spokesperson, Luna Tich,”that once a week will not be often enough.”

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