Stevieslaw: Donald Channels Ozzie

Donald Trump got the Press Corp out of bed today at 5:30 AM, ushered them into the Press Room, and without ceremony bit the head off of a live bat.

Trump said, “I am mailing this to Kim Jong-un as my final warning.”

Defense Secretary James Mattis later explained, “It is very, very important that the world realize there is more than one insane fucker out there with nuclear weapons. Sleep tight everyone, we are handling it.”

It was in 1982, at a concert in Des Maine, Iowa, that Ozzy Osborne bit the head off a live bat—although he later claimed he thought it was a rubber bat.

Rex Tillerson, continuing his role as Secretary of Calming Things Down, said soon after: We need to consider the whole picture—to put things in perspective. It was, in fact, only a very small bat.”