Stevieslaw: CREEP

Stevieslaw: What rock did you crawl out from under?

In 1972, we had fun with the acronym CRP (The Committee to Re-elect the President) extending it to CREEP as a way of succinctly explaining Tricky Dick and his campaign.

This year, barring some impeachment miracle, we will be dealing with CREEP 2 and somehow the stakes seem higher, but Republican theorists have been dealing with the larger issues associated with creeps. In a recent White Paper entitled, “CREEPS: Will They Be There When We Need Them?” the Republicans studied the potential problem of replacing the current crop of really creepy old white men—misogynist, racist, breathtakingly ignorant (yet eager to speak out)—with a new generation of creeps.

The study concludes that such people will be available and Republican in the foreseeable future—a conclusion buoyed by the Kavanaugh nomination—a man so certifiably creepy my mom would have described him with—“ooh, what rock did he crawl out from under?”

Still, Republicans acknowledge that they will be hard pressed to replace some creeps. “Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz come to mind,” said Republican spokesperson, Slim E. Ball. Can we find someone as clever as Rick in putting words to rape (“rape victims should make the best of a bad situation”)? Or someone as innately creepy as Ted (nine out of ten Americans interviewed agreed with the statement, “one glimpse of Cruz has me thinking “I need another shower”).

“We just want Americans to know,” said Slim E, “that the Republicans are concerned about maintaining the high level of creeps in the party, and that we are on the job.”

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Stevieslaw: All the best people

Stevieslaw: All the Best People

Way back in the eighties, my brother called me once from a rest area on Route 80 to say he had some money for me. I had helped make his bail. We were at a Thanksgiving dinner and I suggested he join us. He told me, “You wouldn’t like my friends.”

I imagine he was on a drug run—armed to the teeth and brain addled on whatever, but he still realized that the folks with him were not good people.

I didn’t go.

Trump told us he knows all the best people. Many will soon be serving time. I’d rather not meet the rest.

And now the Republicans—more than willing to give Hitler the keys to the country, if he professed to be anti-choice (anti-woman), have identified an accused abuser as the best candidate for the Supreme Court.

I don’t get it.

Let’s vote.

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Stevieslaw: Lunch with Jesus

Stevieslaw: Trump discloses lunch with Jesus

In a Fox News exclusive, President Trump described his 2014 lunch with Jesus at the famous Russian Tea Room in NYC.

Jesus told me that I was the only one capable of rescuing America from the clutches of that treacherous Muslim, Barack Obama. “He had some wonderful things to say about me—believe me, believe me,” said Trump.

“We both had the Chicken Kiev,” said Trump, “Delicious. And it went perfectly with the Sauvignon Blanc he made from the tap water.”

Trump admitted to being a bit nonplussed by the fact that Jesus stuck him with the bill.

“I thought that he would pick it up, or at least offer to split it,” he lamented.

“It worked out ok though. I told them I forgot my wallet and never paid it,” concluded the President of the United States.

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Stevieslaw: Cold Sweat


Here is the link and the poem.  Type in my name in the search box to find the poem.


Cold Sweat

They finished stitching you
at 2 A.M.
The crowd at the ER
spilled out into the corridors—
drunks and druggies,
strokes and heart attacks.
People in such pain
they could no longer keep the silence of poverty.
A woman gave birth
on a gurney in the hallway.

We left before the cops came by.
I’d come to walk you home,
but you said “not yet”
and took off, long-legged
into the ragged dark.
I don’t know why
I tagged along.

We walked past the projects—
ugly as the lives they housed,
past the burnt-out wrecks
of places people once called home.
Past schoolyards
and in the eerie darkness
under the el.

You practically ran
down Stone Avenue
where Bubbe once lived
among the roaches.

We didn’t talk
and it wasn’t until we neared home
that I realized you had lifted a scalpel
from the hospital
and were searching
for the guys that cut you.

But not that night.
My heart calmed as the key
opened our front door.
The cold sweat would wash away.

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Stevieslaw: Redeeming Qualities

Stevieslaw: Redeeming Qualities

My first cousin, Paul, had sticky fingers. He could not go into a store—be it a shoe store, a supermarket, or a used car lot, and come out without some unpaid for treasure. Periodically, his mug would appear on the front page of our local newspaper with the headline, “ Local Man Caught Red-handed.” Truth to tell, he wasn’t that good at stealing things.

But, we all loved Paul, in spite of the occasional embarrassing episodes or the calls for bail money at two in the morning. Paul was a delight to be with. He was great with children and pets, could tell a racy joke or two, and was a first rate “spite and malice” player. Rooms lit up when Paul came in.

My mom used to say that Paul had redeeming qualities. You could love him, in spite of his felonies.

So, I spent some time trying to come up with a list of Trump’s redeeming qualities. I came up empty. I tried it on some friends. We all came up empty.

Anyone have even one?

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Stevieslaw: Let Bygones be Bygones

Stevieslaw: Trump tweets—Let Bygones be Bygones

Trump tweeted early this morning “it’s been an awfully long time since I’ve broken any really serious laws. How come the fake news media isn’t talking that up.”

Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, agreed, “Donald has been breaking the law since he was a very small child. It takes time to unlearn things one’s learned at a father’s knee. But he hasn’t committed a felony for almost three hours—and as the Bible says*—we should let bygones be bygones.

“We’re Americans,” said Rudy, “We don’t hold grudges.”

*it doesn’t

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Stevieslaw: Boys will be boys

Stevieslaw: Everyone does it.

Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s extraordinary lawyer, will introduce the everyone does it defense this weekend, as he makes the tour of the news shows. Trump tweeted late this afternoon, “Everybody does it, so it’s not a crime,” in regard to the revelations of Michael Cohen.

Giuliani will build on that theme claiming, “What man in this country doesn’t have a personal attorney to pay off bimbos they have tired of. I wish I had a nickel for every time my attorney did this very thing for me.”

Giuliani will go on to point out that paying off some tramp had nothing to do with the election. “I’m quite sure that Michael paid off dozens of women—both before and after the election. It’s the reason Trump hired him, because he knew full well that boys will be boys.”

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