Stevieslaw: The long, hard road to kindergarten
Smokey Diamond was in NYC today to talk to Ms. Simone Smarm, headmistress of the prenatal prep school, Ivybound. Prenatal prep schools have been springing up in most major American cities. All of them offer music, art and academic exposure for a fetus over its nine month term, and while the more expensive of them might offer a live Symphony Orchestra, author readings, and trips to the international space station once or twice a week, they all offer the promise of admission to the best of the preschools for your soon-to-be-a-person.
“Getting your child into the best possible pre-school has been, since the early days of this century, the holy grail for their future,” said Simone. “How best to do this has been a continuing challenge for parent-mentors, who fear money, power, and influence will not be enough.” “We, at the prenatal preps, argue that your child’s future can be ruined even before he or she is born.” “We offer your newborn a resume, or rather an extensive list of his or her academic, social and artistic achievements, at birth.” “That’s priceless,” she remarked.
Ms. Smarm went on to tell Smokey that the best chance of getting your not-yet-an-infant into a good prenatal prep school was with the help of a prenatal agent. “Be prepared for a battle,” she warned. “Not-yet-parents are hyper-concerned about the future of their not-yet-borns and will fight tooth and nail for a place in a prenatal.”
Costs range from 8 to 21 thousand a month, with international and space travel extra. When Smokey noted that the pre-kindergarten cost for one child could well be several hundred thousand dollars, Simone was quick to point out that student loans are available.
We are also happy to report that Simone has agreed to an additional interview on pre-fertilization, “soon to be-an-embryo,” prep schools. “It’s just over the horizon,” she said with a twinkle in her eye.