We Wuz Robbed*: The LAguide to the Fine Art of Sore Losing
Imagine—it is 1950—you are in the Bronx, New York City, watching a Little
League Baseball game. A fourteen year old Donald Trump tries to make it home
from second base on a single to right. As he lumbers to third base, the ball is
fielded cleanly by a youthful Mike Bloomberg. Mike gets off a good throw. The
“Yer out,” yells the ump.
And the evidence suggests that The Donald is out—he was clearly tagged two
feet from the plate. The other team knows he’s out. His team knows he’s out.
The group of friends and relative watching the game in the twilight September
cold know he is out. Yet the Donald knows he is safe. He goes on to claim that
home plate—“which is more than likely,” he screams,” imported from
Taiwan”—is not regulation size and color. It is clearly much too small and
much too hard to see. No matter who tries to calm him down, he won’t stop
ranting about home plate. Sadly, no one smacks him. In 1950, Donald earns the
title of sore-loser. His teammates shun him. His friends and relatives are
embarrassed for him.
Fast forward to 2012, where The Donald, faced with a copy of Barack Obama’s
birth certificate, still claims the president was not born in the USA. Shunned?
Of course. People know a complete turkey when they see one. But, The Donald, is
the exception that proves the rule.
In fact, even for Trump, many might still say about his refusal to give up in
the face of evidence, “at least he has the courage of his convictions.” And, for
more and more of us “having the courage of one’s convictions” trumps the
question of whether or not those convictions are factually accurate. As a
result, the term sore-loser has lost its meaning. A recent survey showed that
an astonishing 97.5% of Americans feel that the fact they lost in any endeavor
could only mean that the deck was stacked against them. And although
mathematically impossible, the figures are some 30% higher for those who
regularly watch Fox News. We, at Stevieslaw feel that pinpointing a villain to
explain your every mishap is essential to the high- self-esteem growth industry
in the United States. Moreover, if you are to be a sore loser, you may as well
be the best sore loser ever. To help you on your way, we are pleased to
publish: “We Wuz Robbed: the Less-intelligent-than-average American Guide to The
Fine Art of Sore Losing. In the guide, you will learn to:
1. Tune your skill, through intensive drills, at instantly deflecting the
reasons for your worst defeats onto some other person or group.
2. Precertify your excuses by sprinkling your conversation with all the really
bad things that might have happened to you—consider, “I bet your friends never
tied you to a tree in January— in a region known for bear attacks.” Make your
name synonymous with “had a really tough life.”
3. Use the handy chart—organized by both alphabet and category— of millions
of potential villains so you can instantly identify the chief villain, animate
or inanimate, of your story.
4. Learn to have the courage of your conviction. Remember you have never had a
level playing field. Consider these thrilling, real world examples—I would
have easily won that:
a. Tennis Game- if only I could afford the kind of equipment my opponent bought
with the limitless money from his trust fund.
b. Chess Game-if only that five year old who clobbered me were a bit
older—small children, as we all know, have no fear
c. Job- if only my competition didn’t get a leg up by being an “affirmative
action” minority, or an elite prep- schooler, or the boss’s favorite cousin. Or
for that matter, all three of the above.
d. Great wealth-if only my parents, siblings, spouse and friends had invested in
my recipe for belly cream— the next great weight loss phenomenon.
e. Poker game-if only an inside straight draw were better than 8.5%
f. Bridge game-if only my opponents weren’t all named for Charley Goren
g. Election-If only the voting machines weren’t serviced by “You know who.” Or
for some, if only women had more of a sense of humor about rape.
The guide will once again have an interactive feature that will allow you to
learn from the experts. Go, one on one, with some notoriously sore
losers—Karl Rove—of “we carried Ohio,” Bill O’Reilly—of “Americans are
failing to become old, white and protestant in sufficient numbers” and The
Donald himself—of “I say you want a revolution”—to name just a few. Also
you will get the inside scoop on how they find the villains at Fox News.
Better get your guide as soon as it comes out. It’s certainly not my fault if
they run out.
*Attributed to Joe Jacobs, manager of Max Schmeling who was robbed of the
heavyweight title in1932.
**You can’t blame us if the guide is not in the stores on time—what with the
storm, the potential typesetters strike, and my dog’s bout with intestinal flu.