Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron and the Corned-beef Conspiracy

Cousin Myron and the Corned-beef Conspiracy
We all knew that Myron, our fiery red-headed cousin, had met his match in marrying Marsha. Myron had made a fortune using his untutored math skills to bet on the ponies. He had taken on the IRS, had struck fear in the hearts of tough New York City waiters and waitresses, and had defended the poor and innocent against the rich and powerful—particularly, our cousin Marvin—but the most he could manage in response to any statement from Marsha—and this only on his best days, was “Yes, Dear.”
So it came as very little surprise when a miserable Myron called late last night to tell me he had just finished dining on lentil and chia seed stew.
“She’s killing me,” he said.
Marsha had gotten a subscription to Prevention Magazine, sent by an anonymous donor, on her birthday.
“Marvin,” we said in unison.
His wife had taken to it like a fish takes to water. After reading and rereading the first issue to the point of it falling apart, she had announced to Myron—
“You will eat like you are planning to live forever, or I will murder you.”
“Sadly,” Myron continued, “My teenagers are at just the age when they believe all this stuff. “They spy on me.”
Myron described his horror as his stash of Yankee Doodles and Devil Dogs, potato chips and Doritos and all candy devoid of dark chocolate were confiscated and tossed. His refrigerator was cleaned just short of sterilization to rid any presence of meat or animal fat.
“They gave the pound and half porterhouse I was saving for my birthday to the Anne and Arthur next door after they promised to feed it to their dog” he whined. “I caught a whiff of them grilling it last night.” “Some friends.”
Myron, who weighs in at 110 pounds sopping wet sobbed, “It’s not like I have bad health problems,” he continued. “And, this diet advice changes every hour.”
“Bingo,” he said and slammed the phone down.
Later in the week, I was pleased to learn that Dr. William Jeffson, in The Nutrition Department, had received a grant from something called the “Corned-beef Consortium” to study the health inducing effects of a traditional kosher deli diet.
Keep your eyes on Prevention Magazine where, I’m betting, Dr. Bill’s research will be published very, very soon.

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