Stevieslaw: Occupy Nowhere
Federal officials reacted with pleasure over the decision by the group of ranchers to occupy the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, a bleak uninviting stretch of wilderness 300 miles from Portland in the dead of winter. Said, S. M. Ilinginside, Spokesperson for James Comey—Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, “We have a couple of dozen armed wingnuts who have chosen to isolate themselves from the general population in a spot that is remote as all hell. They can spend all winter, if they wish, shooting and eating small furry things and telling each other stories about how brave they are. The FBI informants among them will keep us appraised of whatever insanity they are getting up to and we don’t have to arrest them and subsequently house, cloth and feed them. Once the media gets tired of slugging out to the middle of nowhere, we won’t even have to hear from them,” he said with a smile.
Although the government is not talking it up, we at Stevieslaw have learned that there are plans afoot to create more “Federal Refuge Areas” as destinations for militias and other crazies. The Yucca Mountain nuclear waste repository, for example, was renamed Obamacare Headquarters just today. Several dozen primitive cabins are available for occupation. Plans are in the works for several large facilities at former nuclear test sites in southeastern Nye County, Nevada, as well—“The Federal Gun Control Headquarters” will be located in that area.
“Transportation continues to be a problem,” admitted S.M, “as some of these areas are quite remote.” “However, we have embarked on a new initiative to allow these desperados free transportation to hell holes of their choice.” “I have no doubt we will end up calling the transport the lunatic express,” he said with a chuckle.