My future in DIY, poem by Steven Deutsch (MY IMAGINARY SKILL Poetry & Prose Series)
June 17, 2016 //

I will be that guy.
I swear it.
The one that people call
when the whoosis is stuck
or when that whatchamacallit —
the one that’s been in the family
since before the big bang —
the one that used to start right up,
just lies there like the family cat.

I will be the one
to choose the proper saw
or awl or maul.
To distinguish wrenches from wenches
and know the proper hex
in English or in metric.

You will all be proud to know me —
to plead for me to place
my calibrated finger on the leaky pipe — just so
and stop the second sacred flood like that.
Someday, you will watch in awe
as I slip a stripped screw
from its sheath as simply
as I butter bread.
I will undo superglue!

Someday soon
I swear it,
I will be the one to strip the paint
from grandma’s rocker
with my right hand, while with my left
I stain the weathered fence
that surrounds Chicago.
I will be that guy on HGTV —
the one who smiles despite the two-ton tool belt,
the one that wears the John Deere cap
well-seasoned with his honest sweat and WD-40.
The one with the goofy grin of complete competence.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: The poem was born out of our recent bathroom remodel and repair, which has taken just under 11 years and is nearing completion (I think).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Steven Deutsch, a semi-retired practitioner of fluid mechanics as applied to mechanical hearts and valves, lives a quiet life in State College, Pennsylvania, with his artist wife Karen. He has published poetry and short fiction — most recently with Silver Birch Press.