Stevieslaw: Those despicable folks from Lehrerian VI

In 1934, the National Council for Christians and Jews invented National Brotherhood Week. It was celebrated during the third week of February and survived through the 1980’s, when brotherhood was finally achieved. Sadly, the thing most of us, who recall National Brotherhood Week at all, remember is the Tom Lehrer song by that title. It went:

Oh, the white folks hate the black folks,
And the black folks hate the white folks.
To hate all but the right folks
Is an old established rule.

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week,
Lena Horne and Sheriff Clarke are dancing cheek to cheek.
It’s fun to eulogize
The people you despise,
As long as you don’t let ’em in your school.

Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks,
And the rich folks hate the poor folks.
All of my folks hate all of your folks,
It’s American as apple pie.

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week,
New Yorkers love the Puerto Ricans ’cause it’s very chic.
Step up and shake the hand
Of someone you can’t stand.
You can tolerate him if you try.

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics,
And the Catholics hate the Protestants,
And the Hindus hate the Moslems,
And everybody hates the Jews.

But during National Brotherhood Week, National Brotherhood Week,
It’s National Everyone-smile-at-one-another-hood Week.
Be nice to people who
Are inferior to you.
It’s only for a week, so have no fear.
Be grateful that it doesn’t last all year!

Often it seems as if the distinguishing characteristic of being human is the hatred of anyone and everyone in any way different from us. For centuries, we have only been able to hate “fellow humans.” But now, NASA through its Kepler telescope has provided us an exciting way to change all that. Kepler has found 10 planets that might support life—and the list keeps growing. I propose that we name one of those planets Lehrerian VI. We can all agree that the beings of Lehrerian IV (Lehreys) are thoroughly despicable. Sure, they live about a million light years from us. But if we aren’t careful, the Lehreys will be using our toilets, breathing our air and marrying our children. They will be forcing their religion, Lehrerism, upon us. It is happening in some places already. Hate them!

We are human. We have such fined tuned consciences that during one week in the 1300’s we completely stopped slaughtering each other. So I further propose that we set aside a time to celebrate Universe Brotherhood Week and honor all things Lehrerian. We can eat that smelly tasting stuff they call food, wear their funny hats and parade down Fifth Avenue. Then, the rest of the year, we can hate them is peace.

Now all we need is a song.