An obviously puffed Sarah Huckabee told reporters at the White House today that Chief of Staff, John Kelly, gathered the entire White House Staff on the lawn at 3 AM this morning, had them don combat fatigues, and marched them to Bethesda, MD—a 6.7 mile trek. Each staff member was forced to carry a 40 pound backpack filled with assorted bullshit. Buses returned the staff to the White House, where they were subjected to an hour of rigorous calisthenics.
All members of the staff, with the exception of Steve (wormtongue) Bannon participated in the drill. Mr. Bannon could not be coaxed out from under the rock where he normally sleeps. Said Huckabee, quoting General Kelly, “I hope Private Bannon likes to peel potatoes, as he will be on KP for the foreseeable future.”
Ms. Huckabee confirmed that Kelly had threatened to pepper Mike Pence’s backside with buckshot, “if that smug son of a bitch comes anywhere near the White House.” Kelly also denied Corporal Trump’s request of a weekend pass to play golf at his resort in New Jersey.
“I have plans to work that butterball back into shape,” said Kelly.