Stevieslaw: Cousin Myron promises paradise for South Central Brooklyn

Cousin Myron, the red-headed, math whizz, who made a fortune with a progressive betting scheme on the ponies, runs a tax preparation service in the Brooklyn neighborhoods of Brownsville and East New York that he still calls home. The service is been free to residents. You may recall that Myron has memorized the entire tax code—some umpteen thousand pages—and has shown time and again that IRS agents are no match for him.

I was leafing through the South Central Brooklyn gazette today and was surprised to see that Myron had placed a full page ad for his service. I was even more surprised to read in the ad that Myron was guaranteeing that no one using his service would ever pay a red cent in income tax.

And then, just like that, I understood. Myron had read the Paradise Papers. You know, the latest leak of 13 million documents, that describes in detail how the rich and famous get out of paying taxes. Today’s release shows how the wealthy move trillions of dollars through off-shore tax havens to avoid doing things like, you know, help fund the schools or health care.

I spoke with Myron later in the day. He has just opened a dozen or so off-shore tax havens for the not rich. They all have characteristic Myron name like “Schnook’s Haven.”

“It’s gotten to the point where the only people actually paying taxes are those who can’t afford to,” wailed my socially conscious cousin. “That stops now—at least in my neck of the woods,” he said.

“Folk without means cannot figure out how to navigate the tax system. And, they can’t afford to hire people who can,” he continued. “That changes today,” he said.

“No one in South Central Brooklyn will pay any income tax, until the rich start to,” he vowed.

“Not a penny,” he cackled and added in an entirely different voice—“lunch?”