Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 4. Anchor Babies and Guantanamo Bay

Birthing Facility Planned for Guantanamo.

We have learned from Han See Strykczyz, spokesperson for “Ban Illegal Babies (or BIBS), that conservative state legislators, attorney-generals  and state secretaries around the country have been meeting with their federal counterparts to address the issue of “Anchor” babies.  Han See was quick to point out, “this problem, if not soon corrected, will tear apart the very fabric of the nation.”

“Now, a consensus appears to be forming around a bold  solution,”  Mr. Strykczyz stated, “we are talking seriously about a birthing facility at Guantanamo Bay for pregnant illegal immigrants.”  “The women and their offspring would be declared “enemy combatants” and placed under the control of an American military tribunal.”  “By classifying these infants as enemy combatants, we are able to completely avoid the inconvenience of the 14th amendment.”  “To counter arguments of discrimination by pro-immigration groups,” Mr. Strykczyz continued, “there had been some talk of transporting all pregnant people found in the United States and its territories to Guantanamo and then releasing those that could clearly prove citizenship—say, with a valid State issued Birth Certificate.”  “While this would be ideal, most of us felt that it would be so unwieldy as to delay the onset of the program.”

Mr. Strykczyz scoffed at the idea of waterboarding infants, although he could not, of course, dismiss the possibility entirely.   

When asked what was next on BIBS agenda, Han See could not help but break into a huge grin.  “We would like to return the Statue of Liberty to the French,” he confessed.  “It’s really the only way to end the persistent and embarrassing  misunderstanding that we are in the business of welcoming immigrants to the United States.”  “It is simply not true—I, for one, doubt it ever was.”

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