5. U.S. to build settlement on the west bank of the Kabul river

Stanley Spade, chief spokesman for New Levittown houses announced this morning that his company will build a settlement on the west bank of the Kabul River, near the Pakghanistan border.  When questioned, Spade said, “As you know, there was a huge uproar last year when we announced that we would be drawing down our troops in Pakghanistan on a fixed schedule. That uproar was briefly quieted when we rescheduled our withdrawal to 2014.  Any scheduled withdrawal, however, is a clear sign to our enemies that they only have to wait to win.  Now, with the 200 homes of Phase 1 of New Levittown, we are telling the Taliban—we are here to stay—deal with it.

New Levittown will offer split foyer, split level, Cape Cod and traditional two story homes at extremely good prices.  “From the inside, you will not be able to tell if you are living in Kabul or Topeka,” Spade said.  “Our only concession to location will be, he continued, a fully equipped panic room in each residence.”  Prices will range between $145,000 and $230,000 U.S. Down payments are already being accepted.

General Petraeus could not be reached at his very, very secret, new headquarters under the split level model home.  His spokesperson would only say, “The general does not come to the office that often anymore.”  “When he does he just sort of paces around and mutters.”