Stevieslaw: Voices of Central Pa Column

For those of you without access to the Voices of Central PA article, here it is:

Reducing the Deficit—the Hottest Ideas.

Now that Wall Street has reminded our Federal Government that they are not too big to fail, and that Goldman-Sachs is unlikely to bail them out in event of a default, it is time to get serious about the deficit.  We, the publishers, of the Less-intelligent-than-average Americans Guides (LAG) are presenting a dozen of the most talked about deficit reduction ideas. We will also present some of the drawbacks (DB) of the current ideas.

1.      Elect More Democrats—(DB) A really stupid idea.

2.      Elect More Republican—(DB) See above.

3.      Elect More Members of the Tea Party—They are, after all, willing to cut anything without a second thought (Governor Rick Scott of Florida told the his legislature, “Don’t Blink, Just Cut1).  (DB) Having the Tea Party govern America would be much like hiring the Temperance League to cater the 50th Anniversary Celebration for your wine tasting group.

4.      Abolish Medicare—In an elaborate ceremony, declare all seniors who are eligible for Medicare, Doctors.  At the end, intone “Physician Heal Thyself.” (DB) It is likely that the AMA will object when life expectancy rises and death rates fall.

5.      End Social Security—Give all seniors one month to move in with their adult children.  (DB) The adult children would have a whole month in which to hide.  Also, there is no actual money in Social Security.  IOU’s will not help.

6.      Defund the Pentagon—This will end America’s concern over the deficit, as the country that invades and conquers us will be forced to deal with it.  (DB) We can’t  ensure that Canada will be the country to invade us.  Also, all the fun we are having with wars around the globe, in Libya, Pakghanistan, Iraq and Argentina2 , will be off the table.  No more country building!

7.       Legalize Drugs, Prostitution and Gambling and Make Them Government Departments. There is a lot of money to be made through this idea.  (DB) a. Nevada tried this without success. b. It would be easier to change the spelling of A-m-e-r-i-c-a to say M-e-x-i-c-o. and c. The mob might object.

8.      Form The Ameri-Cents Corps.  Demand two years of public service from each young person upon their graduation from grade school (high school graduation rates are too low).  Arm them with metal detectors and send them out across the country to gather the riches buried in the good old American earth.  Metal detector companies advertise that thousands may be easily found with each metal detector. (DB) There are no longer any American companies that manufacture metal detectors. Ordering them from China (via Walmart) would raise the trade deficit by at least a factor of ten.

9.      Raise Taxes on the Rich. Returning to the income tax rates of the 1950’s will greatly reduce the deficit(As would just returning to the 1950’s, I suppose)  (DB) All of the megarich (top 1%) recently met at the Hyatt Hotel in Camden, NJ to prepare a response to this tactic.  If taxed, they will all move to Mississippi and force that State to secede from the Union.  They reason that no one in their right mind would go to war to force Mississippi to return to the Union.  Also, they realize that there are many American who feel that 49 stars, as 7 rows of 7, is more attractive than the current design3.

10.  Bash the Unions and Impoverish the Middle Class.  Many of the current crop of Governors find this great fun.  And, as they say, a happy Governor is a happy Governor4. (DB)  Aside from the bashing and impoverishing it accomplishes nothing at all.

11.   Make Politicians and Celebrities Pay. Make the pols and the celebs pay 1 million dollars for each thing they say that is false, stupid or cruel.  (DB) We would have to listen to endless discussions on cable news of whether or not something is “false, stupid or cruel.”  We might end up voting for or against a fine, as we do now with scientific theories—like evolution and global warming.

12.  Convince the Media That the Deficit is Under Control.  This is probably the most realistic of the ideas.  If the public hears “the deficit is under control” often enough, they will assume that it is true. And what they think is true, is true. Problem solved!

1Does anyone know what that might mean?

2You may not have heard about that one yet.

3What is the current design?

4Who is this ‘they?

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