StevieslawConnecttheDots: Goldman Sachs and Global Warming
New calculations that suggest the melting of Arctic and Antarctic Ice will have us underwater sooner than we thought have not resonated with much of the American public and their elected leaders. In fact, the only significant legislation pending in Congress is a bill to cut hot air exhaust in half, by forcing Rush Limbaugh to shut up. Americans are still rightly confused about the reality of global warming, as many get their understanding of science from a badly translated text that is thousands of years out of date.
At Stevieslaw, we have learned to judge the truth of any proposition by considering how the obscenely rich corporations (ORCs) are approaching the problem. To do this, we dispatched our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, to the White Mountains of New Hampshire where Goldman Sachs is just starting to build their new corporate headquarters atop Mt. Washington. Smokey caught up with Ian Floemm, mouth of Goldman. Mr. Floemm, speaking in an oddly hollow voice, was able to clarify the reasons for the new corporate location. “It has nothing at all to do with global warming,” he assured Smokey. “We choose to build here for two reasons: first, the astonishing view, and second, the exposure to the weather on the mountain—which is said to be the worst in the world—as a means to toughen up our executive class.”
As he spoke, Mr. Floemm could not seem to leave an odd inflamed lump on his neck alone. When Smokey asked about it, Ian explained, “in the interest of science, many upper level managers at Goldman-Sachs have volunteered for a phase 1 trial of embryonic stem cells from sharks.” “The rumor that managers here are attempting to grow gills is completely unfounded,” he informed Smokey in no uncertain terms.
Stevieslaw is currently considering a move to the top of a very large Oak tree across the street, although Smokey—more than most—is opposed to the idea of being stuck in a tree.