Stevieslaw: Havahart

Havahart

In addition to his formidable math skills, Cousin Myron’s ability to rapidly read and faithfully remember anything he wishes has led cognitive scientists around the globe to line up to study him.

“All this poking and prodding is exhausting,” he has muttered on more than one occasion.

At lunch late last week, I asked Myron what he was currently reading.

“I’ve worked my way through all of the classified documents that have been released recently,” he said between bites of what I thought of as my knish.

“And your conclusions,” I asked—hoping against hope that I wouldn’t get a recital.

“Buy Havahart stock,” he counseled with a robust burp.

I have. Here is the rest of the story…

The US government, increasingly under pressure to do away with the unpopular drone program, has turned to human-sized Havahart traps as an alternative. The three-part plan is to humanely capture the bad guys, enlist a troop of hackers to steal their identities, and then to train them for some harmless occupation. The first three terrorists captured, for example, are currently working with the monk-fish industry based in Finland.

A critical element to the program is baiting the traps. At Stevieslaw, we have learned that initial attempts to bait the traps with hummus and pita went horribly wrong, at one point capturing three teenage Jewish boys returning from a Bar-Mitzvah in Queens. The boys, now reprogrammed and reunited with their families, learned all there is to know about potato farming in Idaho. The current thinking is to bait the traps with the most universally desired food product—potato chips. Bids are out to potato chip companies, but the smart money has the government turning to Pringles because of their uniformity and their ability to stay “fresh and whole” for hundreds and hundreds of years. Word has it that thousands of traps will be released shortly.

Remember to keep this story under your hat. If you talk it up, you could be charged under the current espionage laws and now you know how that is likely to go. One minute you’d be munching Pringles potato chips and the next you’d be baiting hooks in the Baltic.

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