Stevieslaw: The Usual Suspects

While some might doubt the claim by Donald Trump that his microphone was tampered with, the police department of Hempstead, Long Island, New York is taking the charge quite seriously. Sarah Parker, a spokesperson for Michael McGowan, Chief of the Hempstead Police, announced at a hastily arranged news conference, that progress in the case had already been made.

Ms. Parker told our own Smokey Diamond, “All of our 119 sworn police officers have been assigned to the case. We are concentrating on the people who might have, now or in the past, been offended by something Mr. Trump did or said. We consider this a huge breakthrough, in that we are now able to concentrate on women, the LGBT community, minorities—especially Muslims, Blacks, Hispanics and Jews, war heroes, members of the military, the disabled, current and former employees of Mr. Trump, former or current contractors to Mr. Trump, former or current students at Trump University, and others that he has swindled.”

Ms. Parker went on to describe how by limiting their search area to a fifty mile radius centered on Hofstra University, they were able to bring the number of people that will be brought in and questioned down to just under 13 million. “By working days, nights and weekends, we expect to have our preliminary questioning and screening completed in a little more than 100 years,” she concluded.