Stevieslaw: House Republicans to privatize breathing

House Republicans introduced legislation today that would permit multinational corporations to buy “breathing zones,” in the United States. The cost of each zone would be tied to the resident population. Americans would be charged for breathing on the basis of a measured respiration rate.

Said spokesperson, Igot Mine, “The average American consumes about 550 liters of oxygen everyday and it is incomprehensible that no one is making money from this bodily function. Corporations are currently making money for all sorts of human misery and need—think of private prisons, healthcare, and student loans, for example, why not for air?

“I might have missed it, but when was breathing declared a right?” he continued.

Mr. Mine went on to say that the new “breathing industries” would provide a huge stimulus to the economy with tens of thousands of trickle down jobs. Moreover, the poor would be heavily subsidized in the compassionate Republican plan by being taught how to hold their breath.