Stevieslaw: The Silence of the grave

I first met Johnny the Glock at my brother’s house in Florida. They were in the back yard shooting at tin cans and stray dogs and cats. My brother was a party goods wholesaler at the time, although occasionally he would help his suppliers collect overdue bills. He had recently been prosecuted for having a weapon and a series of felony convictions and the Feds had come down on him for the silencer he had on the weapon. In response, he had joined the NAHMCK—the National Association of Hit Men and Contract Killers. Johnny was Vice President of the group.

Smokey caught up with Johnny on the phone, just after the Hearing Protection Act of 2017 was postponed long enough to have the public forget the latest massacre—about 72 hours.

Johnny was candid, “Sure, the biggest complaint hit men and contract killers have is that discharging a firearm in a confined space is really loud. Most of our member are being treated for recurring headaches. A silencer would cure that.”

“But, more than that Smokey,” continued Glocky, “A silencer is a very useful tool of the trade. Would you ban the bricklayer’s trowel, the electrician’s wire cutter, or the safecracker’s stethoscope. Why deprive hardworkingamerican hitmen of a tool that makes their jobs so much safer and easier.”

“The other issue is job satisfaction,” said Johnny. “I love my work, but just think of how much more fun it would be if the people you shot were completely unaware of being shot, until they dropped to the ground like rocks. Mass shootings would be nearly silent until the screams started.”

Smokey walked away pretty satisfied with the interview. “It fit tidily in with my current picture of America,” she said sadly.