Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 6. American Drone.

Posted on January 19, 2011 by stevieslaw

Newsbriefs You May Have Missed:   6. Congress Drones on

It’s good and good in Pakghanistan this week, as reported by Marc Levy of the Associated Press.  For one thing, a major GOP Congressional delegation met with Hamid Karzai and some other Pakghanistani officials.  Pat Toomey, the recently elected senator from Pennsylvania, got right to point, demanding, heroically, that Karzai stop corruption now.  It was particularly telling that Toomey was wearing the shirt just designed by Janet Napolitano and her crew at Homeland, with the logo “Say No to Corruption.”  Unfortunately, neither Pat nor Janet could stay for more than a few days.  In other good news, General Patreaus, speaking from his super secret bunker deep under a Pakghanistani nuclear facility, was happy to report that the marines were able at last to move several hundred yards from their base camp, before the crazy people who live in Pakghanistan tried to blow them up. 

Toomey went on to say that he expected American troops to still be in Pakghanistan by the end of his first term in seven years. That’s not much time, relative say to the number of years we fought in WWI and II and the Civil War, but it does, unfortunately, raise the issue of America’s “attention span.” To keep the Congress, the public and the soldiers interested in Pakghanistan for seven more years, there is a plan being circulated among top political and entertainment figures in the United States.  To keep Congress interested, 5 drone stations will be positioned in both the Senate and the House of Representatives so that Congressmen can run, real time, seek and destroy missions.   They will also be able visit Pakghanistan, as often as they like, without leaving their offices.  To keep the public interested, ABC is planning a reality show, similar to American Idol, in which thirty individuals, chosen for their hand-eye coordination, will fight it out using drones to accomplish missions designed by the Joint Chiefs.  The program will be aired live from Dronetown, KS.

There are no plans on the horizon for our military forces in Pakghanistan.  Perhaps, we should send them home.

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Homecoming

Posted on January 15, 2011 by stevieslaw

My entry to NPR’s 3 minute fiction contest.  It can be no longer than 600 words.  One character must tell a joke and the same or a second character must cry.

Homecoming

I hitched a ride from Bellefonte and raised enough money at a service plaza near Milesburg to grab the local Greyhound home.  I’m a wounded veteran, to hear me tell it, and a gimp.  It was less trouble than I thought it would be, and no one got hurt.

The bus ran I-80 through central Pennsylvania, in the valley between the branches of the Susquehanna River.  It’s pretty country in the three short seasons surrounding winter. I have travelled the route a hundred times, I suppose, and have worked the road gang up near Bloomsburg, by the College, where it was easy enough to get into trouble.  I searched the bus for college girls, when I got on, but it was a weekday afternoon run, with just the dribs and drabs of the populace headed east to Hazelton, Wilkes Barrie-Scranton or New York City. The plaza at Milesburg is a drug dealers’ rendezvous, and I wondered for a while which of my fellow passengers was carrying what to where.  Then, I dozed off.

I woke when the bus turned off on Route 11 to Berwick.  From my seat, I couldn’t quite see the smoke from the power plant along the river, but I really didn’t need to see it to picture it.  The bus, as always, struggled up the steep road. The driver dropped me off across from the McDonalds, by the gas station.  McDonalds is my shrine of sorts, but I didn’t bother to cross the street.  I could see it well enough from where I stood.  Five years ago, almost to the day, I caught a police bullet with my left leg just outside that McDonalds.  I walk with my right leg and drag the left along, just like so many other people you have learned to feel sorry for.  You don’t need to feel sorry for me.  It wouldn’t do either of us any good.

I headed north up 11 to “Daddy’s,” the most local of the local bars.  It was no more than a half a mile up hill, but my leg had tightened up with the three hour bus ride and I had to stop now and again to catch my breath and mop my sweat up.  The streets were deserted. 

I got to Daddy’s around six. It was plenty light enough for me to get a good look. The five years I had been away had not made it any less of a dive.  The windows, out along the highway, hadn’t been cleaned in twenty years and there was not a single car in the unlined parking lot worth stealing. 

I took a deep breath and opened the door. Just as I walked through, I heard my cousin Charley—it could only be cousin Charley—say “and it was his old lady.” I walked through the sad, creaky door just as everyone in the damn place broke up laughing from Charley’s old joke.  They were, one and all, howling with laughter. I knew in my head they weren’t laughing at me, but my body didn’t.  I turned rash red, my blood came up and as I went for the nearest of the local drunks, my bad leg gave out and I flopped in the sodden sawdust. Still worse, as I started to get back up, I could hear from some dim corner of this forsaken hole at the end of the universe, the unmistakable sound of my mother as she began, very quietly, to cry.

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Briefnews Items you May Have Missed: 5. 8rms, riv vw.

Posted on January 7, 2011 by stevieslaw

5. U.S. to build settlement on the west bank of the Kabul river

Stanley Spade, chief spokesman for New Levittown houses announced this morning that his company will build a settlement on the west bank of the Kabul River, near the Pakghanistan border.  When questioned, Spade said, “As you know, there was a huge uproar last year when we announced that we would be drawing down our troops in Pakghanistan on a fixed schedule. That uproar was briefly quieted when we rescheduled our withdrawal to 2014.  Any scheduled withdrawal, however, is a clear sign to our enemies that they only have to wait to win.  Now, with the 200 homes of Phase 1 of New Levittown, we are telling the Taliban—we are here to stay—deal with it.

New Levittown will offer split foyer, split level, Cape Cod and traditional two story homes at extremely good prices.  “From the inside, you will not be able to tell if you are living in Kabul or Topeka,” Spade said.  “Our only concession to location will be, he continued, a fully equipped panic room in each residence.”  Prices will range between $145,000 and $230,000 U.S. Down payments are already being accepted.

General Petraeus could not be reached at his very, very secret, new headquarters under the split level model home.  His spokesperson would only say, “The general does not come to the office that often anymore.”  “When he does he just sort of paces around and mutters.”

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 4. Anchor Babies and Guantanamo Bay

Posted on January 6, 2011 by stevieslaw

Birthing Facility Planned for Guantanamo.

We have learned from Han See Strykczyz, spokesperson for “Ban Illegal Babies (or BIBS), that conservative state legislators, attorney-generals  and state secretaries around the country have been meeting with their federal counterparts to address the issue of “Anchor” babies.  Han See was quick to point out, “this problem, if not soon corrected, will tear apart the very fabric of the nation.”

“Now, a consensus appears to be forming around a bold  solution,”  Mr. Strykczyz stated, “we are talking seriously about a birthing facility at Guantanamo Bay for pregnant illegal immigrants.”  “The women and their offspring would be declared “enemy combatants” and placed under the control of an American military tribunal.”  “By classifying these infants as enemy combatants, we are able to completely avoid the inconvenience of the 14th amendment.”  “To counter arguments of discrimination by pro-immigration groups,” Mr. Strykczyz continued, “there had been some talk of transporting all pregnant people found in the United States and its territories to Guantanamo and then releasing those that could clearly prove citizenship—say, with a valid State issued Birth Certificate.”  “While this would be ideal, most of us felt that it would be so unwieldy as to delay the onset of the program.”

Mr. Strykczyz scoffed at the idea of waterboarding infants, although he could not, of course, dismiss the possibility entirely.   

When asked what was next on BIBS agenda, Han See could not help but break into a huge grin.  “We would like to return the Statue of Liberty to the French,” he confessed.  “It’s really the only way to end the persistent and embarrassing  misunderstanding that we are in the business of welcoming immigrants to the United States.”  “It is simply not true—I, for one, doubt it ever was.”

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 3. Congress to tax wealthy

Posted on January 5, 2011 by stevieslaw

Congress to tax rich, support early childhood education and health

Both houses of congress today approved a plan to return the tax rates on the wealthiest Americans to their values under the Eisenhower Administration.  President Obama plans to sign the measure as it comes up the stairs to the White House.  The extra tax money, estimated at some 100’s of billion dollars will initially go to support a comprehensive effort to improve childhood health and education, in an effort to empower the chronic underclass in America.

Speaker of the House, John Boehner, clearly holding back tears, said the defining moment came for him during the short, impassioned children’s rights speech, delivered by Tommy Tim, the great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of Tiny Tim, on Christmas Eve before both houses of Congress. “Who knew,” cried Boehner, “it was about children.” Tiny Tim, as you may recall, was immortalized by Charles Dickens in the book “A Christmas Carol,” and has since appeared in several cinematic recreations.  It was long believed, erroneously, that Tiny Tim was a fictional character, but as Dr. Marvin Faulkner, of Harvard University’s Department of Literature carefully explained—“A Christmas Carol, is not a novel, but a thinly disguised memoir.”  “Who knew?” he went on to learnedly say.

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 2. Tea-partiers to seek treatment

Posted on January 4, 2011 by stevieslaw

Tea-partiers to seek anger management therapy.

At a well attended but little publicized three-day meeting this December in Topeka, Kansas, Tea-partiers met to answer one fundamental question—“why are we so boiling mad?”  We were able to speak to their self-styled spokesperson, Paul “Scaaty” Simon at the end of the meeting to ask him how the meeting had come about and if any progress had been made. 

 “It was something we needed to discuss,” said Paul.  “Most of us are not poor, nor hungry, nor physically disabled,” he noted, “where does all the anger come from?” “The first two days of the meeting produced nothing concrete. We could only associate the anger with the vague, undifferentiated feelings of fear for the future that most of us carry around.”  “On the third day, however, we teamed up with the American Psychologic Society—which was having their annual meeting over the same time period.”  The one-on-one and anger management sessions and workshops, as well as the pharmaceutical therapy, that they were able to offer us, were amazing.” “We predict that most of the Tea-partiers will continue to take part and benefit from the therapeutic services the group offers.”  “Fortunately,” Mr. Simon continued, “Obamacare will force the insurance companies to cover the cost of our treatment.”

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Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 1. God Quits

Posted on January 4, 2011 by stevieslaw
  1. God quits over Israeli-Palestinian deadlock:

Almighty God announced today that he is resigning from his role as master of the Universe, effective immediately, over the Israeli-Palestinian deadlock. God was quoted as saying, “I’m all powerful and all knowing, but I’m not under any obligation to be all patient.”  God gave as his reason, “the incredible and persistent stupidity of the last 2000 years—dumb, dumb, dumb.”  He plans to start a new universe “as far from this forsaken place as possible,” and has threatened to take his sun (or perhaps son) with him.

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Good News on the Pakghanistan Border

Posted on January 3, 2011 by stevieslaw

Good News on the Afghan Border—Manpower will Triple

I’m sure you are as inspired as I am about NY Times reporter, Michael Kamber’s article in the Sunday paper that describes how we are stepping up the fight on Afghan smuggling.  I am really pumped.  Mr. Kamber describes an Afghan smuggling problem in which an estimated ten million dollars per day is, as one example, flown from Afghanistan to Dubai.  That’s a cool 3.65 billion a year and illustrates clearly why we must keep the money pipeline to Pakghanistan open and flowing at all times. The Times reporter also goes on to describe border crossings that are so porous that all one needs to pass through is a bit of money for a bribe. 

Enter Janet Napolitano—our secretary of homeland security, who has taken time out from her busy schedule of full body scans and fuller body pat downs to address the problem .  In a bold move, Janet is tripling the number of her agents—to train and assist border and custom workers—in Afghanistan.  Ms. Napolitano is quoted as saying, “Border protection will lead to customs revenue and legitimate trade…then Afghanistan will have money for social services and education.

Janet and other homeland security officials made this announcement recently on a fact finding mission to Pakghanistan, in which they flew over the Torkham Gate Border Crossing in the Khyber pass.  As it turns out, they were unable to approach the pass on the ground because it is so dangerous that as Ms. Napoliitano’s press secretary stated, “you have to be out of your mind to try that.” I can’t imagine how thrilling it must have been for the border guards to watch Napolitano’s  plane streak over the pass at nearly supersonic speed.

In any event, 52 retired homeland security agents will soon be joining the 25 already there to turn the tide against smuggling and bribery.  They will apparently be housed in General Petreaus’ super, super secret bunker under the capital city of Kabul.  There the agents will crunch out thousands of buttons, banners and tee-shirts with the theme, “just say no to bribery and smuggling” for the Pakghanstan customs agents and border workers to wear.  To quote Alfred Worry, one of the new agents, we are building here on the “just say no to drugs” theme, that was so successful in ending teenage drug use in America forever.

General Patreaus, who we were fortunate enough to run into in Joe’s bar and grill in downtown Kabul, would only say, “leave the bottle Joe.”

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The Bureau of Afghan Relief Funding (BARF)

Posted on January 1, 2011 by stevieslaw

My Day at the Bureau of Afghan Relief Funding (BARF)

A recent article by Brett Blackledge and Richard Lardner of the Associated Press detailed the controversy over Afghan Energy and Water Minister and former warlord, Ismail Khan.  Khan, well known in the world of Afghan corruption, was apparently appointed by President Hamid Karzai in an effort to piss us off.  It hasn’t worked.

Khan controls about 2 billion dollars in US aid.  This is roughly the salary of 40, 000 American teachers we can apparently do without.  But the problems associated with Afghan corruption doesn’t stop there—hence the need for BARF.

I learned all this in my visit with Dr. Peter Cowed at Barf’s small office complex, next door to General Petraeus’ secret bunker, under the Treasury Building.  “Suppose we actually have to get 2 billion dollars in energy aid to the Afghan people,” said Cowed.  “We must then calculate the true cost of our programs, by accounting for corruption losses through, for example, direct siphoning of money, ghost employee programs, and the ever popular “make work” employee programs of the Afghan agencies.”  “A fundamental and by no means simple question,” continued Cowed, “is whether or not the corruption amounts to a simple percentage of the allocated resources, or is in fact more closely related with the total amount of the allocation.”  “Simply speaking,” he continued, “if they steal 1 billion from a 2 billion allocation, how do we calculate what they will steal from a 3.5 billion allocation?” “Fortunately, said Cowed, “we have been able to learn a great deal from the well documented workings of the Illinois State Legislature and the Chicago Mayor’s office.”

Off the record, Cowed estimates that Khan reallocates, in one way or another, about 83% of the American funding, so that we must provide about 11.76 billion in initial funding for 2 billion to reach the Afghan people. 

General Petraeus, who was kind enough to comment on BARF, strongly suggested that without their hard work, “there would be even less chance of winning this stupid war.”

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Border Tactics—the rest of the story

Posted on December 30, 2010 by stevieslaw

U.S.  Adjusts Border Tactics—The Rest of the Story

Anne Flaherty’s Associated Press piece, which appeared in yesterday’s paper was written in a code so transparent that the average four year old American could pull out the essentials.  In the first two paragraphs, there are three items of interest:

  1. we cannot defend the vast border between Afghanistan and Pakistan,
  2. we will instead be defending Afghan villages; and
  3. we are told this by Army Col. Viet Luong.

Americans are being told for the first time that we cannot prevent the Taliban from crossing the Afghanistan/Pakistan border.  This should be a surprise to no one: We have never been able to prevent people from crossing the Mexican/American border, why would moving the action to Pakghanistan, where we are hated on both sides of the border make this easier?  Next, we are told by Col. Viet that we are poised to defend Afghan villages—essentially giving up the countryside.  Remember Vietnam? Remember strategic hamlets?  This is a huge shift in American policy.  No longer will we be proposing and following policies in Afghanistan that are doomed to failure—we will now be adopting and following policies that have already failed.

Don’t panic. Here’s what will happen next.  All American forces will be withdrawn to major Afghan cities, which are easier to defend.  They will stay a week.  Our forces will then be moved to the Hawaiian Islands.  There they will be trained in what the Pentagon is calling “Alerted Activities.”  These activities include snorkeling—to search for Taliban submarines, surfing and boating—to keep an eye on the Taliban Navy, and sun-bathing—to watch for the Taliban Air Force.  It seems likely that the soldier’s families will be able to join them in Hawaii, as this will add to the number of “alert eyes.” General Petraeus, reached in his secret bunker at Pearl Harbor stated, “this is a war I am confident of winning.”

This whole operation is to be paid for by slashing aid to Pakistan to zero.  Our ability to control the money we send to Pakistan has long been in question, the fear being that much of it goes to support the Pakistani intelligence service. As Vice-President Biden mumbled recently when he thought the cameras were off—in as succinct a statement as we are likely to get from this Administration—“and who knows what those crazy f-ckers are doing with the money.”

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