1. God quits over Israeli-Palestinian deadlock:

Almighty God announced today that he is resigning from his role as master of the Universe, effective immediately, over the Israeli-Palestinian deadlock. God was quoted as saying, “I’m all powerful and all knowing, but I’m not under any obligation to be all patient.”  God gave as his reason, “the incredible and persistent stupidity of the last 2000 years—dumb, dumb, dumb.”  He plans to start a new universe “as far from this forsaken place as possible,” and has threatened to take his sun (or perhaps son) with him.