15. Science shows poor people do not get cold.
Citing wire reports, our local newspaper—the CDT— reported on February 10th that President Obama wants to cut 2.5 billion from the 5 billion dollar Low-Income Home Energy Assistance Program, a home heating aid program for the poor. As Stanley Spade, chief spokesperson for New Levittown Houses and Housing Upgrades of Pakghanistan, states, “The money is desperately needed to provide housing upgrades for Pakghanistani officials.” “Roughly speaking,” Stanley went on to say, “2.5 billion will support the war effort for about 10 days.” “Remember,” he said, “It is important that the people in Pakghanistan like us.” General Petraeus, reached at his super-secret bunker under the Presidential palace in Kabul, through Google Maps, was heard to say, “Is it cold in here?”
In a related story, the Discovery Institute had released a detailed scientific study that clearly shows that poor people do not get cold. The Institute cited their scientific finding as additional proof of Intelligent Design. Ida Slimmold, spokesperson for the Institute, would only say that, “this is one of many blessings god gives to poor people at birth.”