StevieslawPubServAnn: Squelching the Naturally Gaseous Rumors

David Caruso, of the Associated Press, reports in this morning’s Centre Daily Times that the natural gas industry will stop using riverside water treatment plants to get rid of millions of barrels of tainted wastewater that results from fracking.  The treatment plants are not currently set up to remove the salts and radioactivity associated with the waste.  The article points out that it was the industry, not the PA-DEP that initially requested that the practice be discontinued.

Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, set up a “man in the street” interview near the courthouse in Bellefonte, this morning, to find out what the public thought of this.  Three major points emerged:

  1. 96.1% thought that disposal through water treatment plants was “expensive,”
  2. 99.8%  thought that the water treatment would get more expensive as the treatment plants geared up to handle the salt and radioactivity, and
  3. 100% thought that it was no doubt cheaper to bury the water in Ohio or to reuse it.

Somewhat more troubling was the rumor, which Smokey picked up at the courthouse, that the natural gas industry was planning on bottling the water and selling it as a mineral-rich, health food supplement.  Smokey was up at fracking headquarters, just outside Scranton, in a flash to check on this disturbing rumor.  Tomuc Methan, spokesperson for the industry, decked out in an orange “Take the Bromide Challenge” t-shirt and hat, responded, “ATT, we have no plans to bottle this energetic, mineral rich resource and sell it back to the public.”  “BTW, did you know that the resource is naturally fizzy?” he added.   “Excuse me,” asked Smokey, “but what does ATT mean?”  “Oh,” responded Tomuc, “At this time, of course.”

In Joseph Heller’s novel, “Catch 22,” Milo Minderbinder has cornered the market on Egyptian cotton.  Unfortunately, no one is buying cotton but the Egyptians who buy it for a song and sell it back to him, and his corporation (which is orchestrating WWII and to which everyone has a share) is in danger of going under.  Milo tries to convince the main character, Yossarian, that the men must pitch in and learn to eat Egyptian cotton—because “what is good for Milo Minderbinder is good for the country.”  To make the cotton more palatable, he has coated it with chocolate.

“Actually, the mineral-rich, naturally fizzy, supplement, that comes in handy pint bottles that may be recycled, is not too bad with chocolate syrup,” reports Tomuc with a resounding burp. 

Have a sip.  Now, repeat after me, “What is good for the natural gas industry is good for the State.”

This entry was posted in Humor, parody, sleepless in state college and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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