Many of us woke to the long-awaited news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces, in an early morning raid on his hide-out in Pakghanistan, just down the street from the Pakistani’s major military academy. Those of us that wake to Fox News learned that it was Obama Bin Laden that had been killed, but no matter, I’m sure they meant well—and the letter “b” is really very close to the letter “s” on the keyboard.* Anyway you slice it, this is very good news and we should immediately turn to the next question. How soon can we get our troops out of Pakghanistan? Why should we leave now, you ask? Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, gives you the big three reasons:
- The Taliban have a killing season. They announce the start of their Spring Offensive as a rock group might announce their concert dates. You expect to hear that tickets are available at most major outlets and there is no reserve seating. How crazy is that? We used to think that this war was Vietnam revisited, but can anyone imagine the Vietcong announcing that the Tet offensive will start in two days—sorry for the delay, but we have had our problems getting S. Vietnamese Ranger uniforms. Grandma Smokey always said, “Never fight anyone crazier than you are.”
- The Taliban have help from our allies. A major and critically correct decision was not to tell our allies, the Pakistanis, about our plans to kill one of their residents on their territory using American equipment and soldiers. Did you notice that we couldn’t even tell the Pakistanis to help us retrieve our damaged helicopter? It made more sense to blow it up. And, considering their best intelligence was that Bin Laden was dead or in Iran, we are forced to believe that their military officers and cadets walked past bin Laden’s place just over 4 million times in the past 10 years without once asking, “I wonder who lives there.” “Over there.” “There, in the big out of place mansion with the 18 foot fence, barbed wire, and security gates.” Did they never once try to sell a raffle ticket for, say a personal nuke, to the tall Arabic-looking guy who lived there? Grandma said, “Never tell the twitchy guy who likes both knives and torturing cats to watch your back at the rumble on Amboy Street.”
- General Petraeus is leaving Pakghanistan to head the CIA. Talk about Scylla and Charybdis. He’s done about as well as anyone could do in Iraq and Pakghanistan and it is fitting that, for once, he leave with his troops. Apparently, the troops still in Iraq cannot break their contract and must stay for another million years. Also, the leaving “Dodge” scene will make for great movies for at least 20 years. Think of it as a John Wayne moment. Petraeus , on his great white horse, leads column after column of blue coated cavalry out of the country, as someone—perhaps the next winner of American Idol—sings, “On Her Hair She Wore a Yellow Ribbon.” Grandma might have said it well. “Priceless.”
- A curious thing on the Fox News website this morning as well. There was no picture of Obama making the announcement, but there was a picture of W congratulating him. It was as if Bush had finally gotten his man with a little help from an assistant. Just saying.