Stevieslaw: What’s in a Name?
Some of you might know that Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, changed his name from one that suggested either the arrival of the storm troopers or, when mispronounced, a feminine hygiene technique. With bullying one of the few art forms left to Americans, Smokey found growing up was just a little bit harder than it needed to be. Now Smokey has learned that the penis genius, Anthony Weiner, is claiming that the bullying he suffered as a youth, because of his name, is responsible for his irresponsible actions as an adult. “It was not easy,” Anthony whined, “being the “weiner” on the block.” My self-esteem suffered all through my childhood.”
Now, we have learned that the Weiner has introduced legislation in the House to ban the use of names for American children. “Children,” say the Weinie, “should be given numbers at birth instead of names.” “Having a unique number instead of a name for life would be useful in the digital age in any event, and no one could be bullied on the basis of their number.”
At Stevieslaw, we are not so sure. We can imagine a future in which bullying, only on the basis on numbers, would easily continue. As in: “Spoken like a real 29,” or “Just another filthy 54.” Nicknumbers would abound and be used to intimidate and threaten. All people whose numbers ended in 222 might sooner or later be banned from the country club—while the 666ers would have trouble finding a church.
I don’t know quite what to make of the Anthony—as with mustard and sauerkraut’s—claim that bullying did him in. Smokey on the other hand was firm:
“What a Weiner,” she said.