Stevieslaw: My Voices column for February

Stevieslaw: So You Think You Have Talent.
Smokey Diamond and I were sitting at the local University Starbucks last Wednesday morning discussing Nietzsche’s Ubermensch and how the concept might apply to the future Republican Presidential Candidate—-be it Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich or, for that matter, Michelle Bachmann.
The wager was that whichever one of us broke up and sprayed coffee through our nose first, paid for snacks.
At the table behind us, a group of four was discussing with some solemnity the loss of Chris, as opposed to Mitch, Marge or Phillip, on the TV Reality Show—-So You Think You Can Yodel.
The people at the table in front of us were busy discussing the proposed merger of American Idol with Project Runway, vis-à-vis the future of fashion- able music. And although Smokey and I could be said to have little idea of what we were talking about, it seemed to us, that ours was the least bizarre of the three conversations.
Welcome to America in the 2010’s, where reality TV is boss. A recent study found that Americans are watching 42
No wonder the birthrate in America is dropping like a rock—-although people are certainly watching, “So You Think You Can Get Pregnant,” on Fox.
Clearly, if it weren’t for the sale of big screen TV’s and television service, we would have no economy at all.
There are problems ahead, however, associated primarily with the answers to the twin question of how can you keep up with reality and how can you plan ahead for it.
Therefore, we are as pleased as Matthew on “So You Think you have Good News (8PM Tuesdays on ABC),” to announce the Less-Intelligent-than- average American Guide to the future of reality TV—-“So you think you have talent
In the Guide, you will first learn some reality history.
Did you know, for example, that Ray Bradbury believes he will never be able to atone for his novel “Fahrenheit 451,” a book often credited with the birth of reality television?
He often says as much as the host of the popular you-are-going-to-hell show, “So you think you are hot now (1a.m. Weds on ESPN2).”
In LAG you- will learn that, although the “whole” life shows will continue with titles like “Real Husbands of Topeka,” and an exciting new “cousins”
Photo by Steve Deutsch Steve Deutsch in his original native habitat of
New York City.
series-you won’t believe the insights produced by the show “My sister-in- laws second cousin was Barack Obama’s barber.”
Most new shows will highlight Talent (yes, with a capital T). Here are just a few of the hundreds discussed by LAG in incredible detail:
So You Think You Are Charming—-in which contestants will vie for the title of “Snake Charmer Extraordinaire,” with guest appearances by Bernie Madoff, Donald Trump and Karl Rove. Trust us, the auditions for this show, involving hundreds of “wannabes,” cobras and cameras, is mind blowing. Will there even be a winner?
So You Think You Are Decisive—-in which carefully chosen contestants will take to sea in command of a “boomer” submarine armed with multiple nuclear tipped missiles. What will they do when the command to fire—-real or imagi- nary—-comes in? Will the final con- testants choke and mistake the code for Tehran with the one for Islamabad? How many Americans will know the
difference? Hunker down in your bunker and watch them live on the DIY network.
So You Think You Can Fly—-in which completely untrained contestants will vie for the chance to fly a fully loaded passenger aircraft from Chicago to Osaka. Sully Sullenberger and the former head of the FAA Randy Babbitt will judge (think good judge, inebriated judge), as the flights get longer and more technically difficult.
In one episode, the contestants even try to get in and out of Philadelphia International Airport—-a task most experienced pilots refuse to attempt. And get this, at no time during the flights will the passengers be told that their flight captain is completely unqualified to fly the aircraft. Best book your flight insurance now!
Finally, the guide will be the first to inform you (and this is quite a sneak preview here) that the entire 2012 Presidential Campaign and Election will be run as the reality show, “So You Think You Can Govern**.”
Just imagine—-campaign contribu- tions and countless attack ads will soon become a thing of the past. Lobbyists will lose much of their influence.
The candidates will be asked probing questions by a team of responsible jour- nalists—-chosen from all political stripes—-about foreign and domestic affairs, the military, the economy, and the social safety net, while as many as two hundred million Americans look avidly on.
On several of the shows, viewer ques- tions will be entertained.
And on Election Day, we estimate that fully 96 percent of eligible American voters will cast their votes by phone or on the internet to elect the next presi- dent.
Stay ahead of the future of reality. Buy your guide today. Only $19.95 wherever LAG guides are sold.
**Just kidding about this one. No such show is planned.

This entry was posted in gang gang dance, Humor, parody, sleepless in state college, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s