Middleclassmenship: the Less-intelligent-than-average-American Guide to Appearing to still be Middle Class
My wife’s cousins, improbably named the Astors, could easily be the poster family for the new economy. Cousin Matthew was 30 last week and is still waiting tables. He told me yesterday, “There is nothing wrong with waiting tables when you are in your twenties, but 30 should be some sort of cut-off for those who don’t intend to make it a career.” Matthew has a degree in English Literature with a minor in modern American poetry and is beginning to wonder how he will ever pay back his $139,000 in student loans. He has published in several poetry anthologies for which he receives almost $12 a month in royalties. One former poet Laureate, Billy Collins, called the young poets in one of the anthologies, “the future of American poetry.” Billy is often right.
Matthew’s twin, Jimmy, served two tours in Pakghanistan and returned with a serious case of post-traumatic stress syndrome. The Department of Veteran’s Affairs told him recently that they have no record of his application for disability. They also told him not to worry, as in their experience missing applications are often processed sooner than applications that have been properly logged in. Their mom, Cynthia, has been holding the family together with her salary as an autoworker. She is 54 and like most her age, she is a staunch supporter of the UAW. Before she was laid off last month, she was making over $30 an hour. Cyn called to tell me she was rehired yesterday—same job sans union—at $10.72 an hour. The good news is that with the dad, Sam, sick enough to be playing the health care reimbursement tango pretty much fulltime, the family qualifies for food stamps.
As if that wasn’t enough bad news, my cousin Myron—the rash red-headed savant—who made his money playing the ponies, called to say the Cousin’s Club, a 60 year fixture in our lives, was in danger of closing. “Many members can’t pay their dues,” he said, “And the landlord sold the building that housed our crappy little clubroom to a California holding company with ties to General Electric.” “The new owners are thinking upscale condo.” “The building overlooks the Gowanus Canal, for god’s sake” I piped in. “Yes,” he said, it’s a petrochemical cesspool that glows in the dark.” “Remember the good old days,” he reflected, “When the only way you could get your money out of a ratty old building was to burn it down for insurance?”
What I retained from Myron’s rant was just one line: “Remember the good old days.” Let’s do that. And, until the job producers can find a way to charge us for our memories, we can use them and pretense to maintain our thin grasp on our membership in the middle class. For those of you using imagination rather than heating oil for the first time this winter, it might help you to recall the words of the social critic and historian, Christopher Lasch, “that nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.” To help you on your way, we are pleased to publish Middleclassmenship: the Less-intelligent-than-average-American Guide to Appearing to still be Middle Class. In the guide you will learn how to make appearance trump reality in:
1. Housing: use the last of your money to buy a real dump in some inner city area like south central Brooklyn and claim to be the first in the area to “gentrify.” Who knows, in 20 years people might marvel at your prescience.
2. Shop: Browse places like Best Buy and Barnes and Noble and fiddle endlessly with nooks, kindles, and Ipads as if you had an intention of buying them. Attend all the classes and lectures—especially if free snacks are a possibility.
3. Food: Shop at the upscale markets that offer tastings. Find a coffee shop open 24 hours and essentially move in. Remember that you can’t go back to your not- yet- fashionable- home after the sun goes down. The best coffee shops offer refills at a nominal rate. Learn to use tons of sugar in your coffee and tea. Be a regular. Befriend people. They might buy you one.
4. Dress: Buy all your clothing at Good Will on sale days. Just make sure it is so odd looking that it might be cool. Cram your conversations with the people in your coffee shop, your market and your Barnes and Noble with talk of your love of Project Runway and the “new fashion.”
5. Restaurants: Be seen at decent places waiting patiently for a table. Order a side salad and talk about your endless need to diet.
6. Civics: Attend all the meetings for the libraries, schools, and parks. There are always refreshments and the meeting rooms are heated and cooled. Remember to complain about child care, taxes, mortgage rates and unforgiving bosses as if you still had any of those things.
7. Job: Imagine there was a partnership between the workers and the owners—as if, as a worker you still had a stake in the success of the business you work for.
Most of all, buy the LAGuide. If necessary, use your last dime. Free with this month’s issue, is a paper bag wrapper, so no one need know how far you’ve fallen.
-
Join 233 other subscribers
-
Recent Posts
Blogroll
Blog Stats
- 26,393 hits
Archives
- January 2023
- December 2022
- November 2022
- October 2022
- September 2022
- August 2022
- July 2022
- June 2022
- May 2022
- April 2022
- March 2022
- February 2022
- January 2022
- December 2021
- November 2021
- October 2021
- September 2021
- August 2021
- June 2021
- May 2021
- April 2021
- March 2021
- January 2021
- December 2020
- November 2020
- October 2020
- September 2020
- August 2020
- July 2020
- June 2020
- May 2020
- April 2020
- March 2020
- February 2020
- January 2020
- December 2019
- November 2019
- October 2019
- September 2019
- July 2019
- June 2019
- May 2019
- April 2019
- March 2019
- February 2019
- January 2019
- December 2018
- November 2018
- October 2018
- September 2018
- August 2018
- July 2018
- June 2018
- May 2018
- April 2018
- March 2018
- February 2018
- January 2018
- December 2017
- November 2017
- October 2017
- September 2017
- August 2017
- July 2017
- June 2017
- May 2017
- April 2017
- March 2017
- February 2017
- January 2017
- December 2016
- November 2016
- October 2016
- September 2016
- August 2016
- July 2016
- June 2016
- May 2016
- April 2016
- March 2016
- February 2016
- January 2016
- December 2015
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- June 2015
- May 2015
- April 2015
- March 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- December 2014
- November 2014
- October 2014
- September 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- May 2014
- April 2014
- March 2014
- February 2014
- January 2014
- December 2013
- November 2013
- October 2013
- September 2013
- August 2013
- July 2013
- June 2013
- May 2013
- April 2013
- March 2013
- February 2013
- January 2013
- December 2012
- November 2012
- October 2012
- September 2012
- August 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010