Stevieslaw Exclusive: House Republicans to Push for Infrastructure Repair.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has just returned from an exclusive interview with Lonny Tunes, spokesperson for the tea party Republicans in the House. She reports that they have convinced John Boehner, Eric Cantor and others in the Republican leadership that a bill authorizing infrastructure repair must be passed by the House and Senate before the 2014 elections.
“We have gone from a nation with an enviable road and bridge system to one in which you take your life—or at least your dental work—in your hands when you drive to the country club, said Lonny. We have given the Republican approach the catchy title of “the one percent solution”. In it, we propose to repair, refurbish and rebuild our roads and bridges and limit their future use to those whose incomes place them in the top 1%. Think of the savings. Others can walk, or bike, or use the existing infrastructure,” he added. “Clearly, some new roads and bridges will need to be constructed. Why there is no direct link between Wall Street and The Hamptons, for example, is mind boggling.”
Payn Nought, a tea party mainstay, added “We have tried building and maintaining our infrastructure for the common man and it just does not work. Consider the interstate highway system. In a mere 50 or 60 years, they’ve worn it out! If we were to rebuild the system, they would just wear it out again.
The new highways for the wealthy are to be equipped with driverless cars and rest plazas with four star restaurants and full service gas stations. To those few left out—like Linda Person, a single mother of three who works three low paying service jobs to keep it together, Payn symbolically rolled up the sleeves of his very, very expensive shirt, smiled and said, “Try harder.”