The LAGuide to Saving Time

Hurry: The LAGuide to Saving Time
The average American now works 137.3 hours a week at 2.7 jobs. With the commute adding another 24.7 hours a week, free time has become, pound for pound*, as valuable as platinum. In fact in 1956, Time Magazine valued a minute of free time at $1.56, while today that same minute is worth $42,351.27. It would be higher still if even a few Americans made a living wage. It is no wonder that the kind of frantic speed we once associated with teenage drivers on windy country roads or middle age men with “Indianapolis 500 Syndrome” has now become a commonplace of our daily lives. Today, when someone blindsides you 85 mph, it is just as likely to be some gentle, white haired grandmother late for church on Sunday.
This came home to us last night when my wife and I went to visit Aunt Edna in the hospital. Edna broke her right wrist and collarbone in a horrific accident. She took full responsibility for the accident which involved four shopping carts and a woman using a walker at the local supermarket. ”The woman in the walker zipped to the right around the melons and I knew if I got stuck behind her I would miss Bingo” Edna said. “Unfortunately, two others tried to move around her at the same time. Apparently, all of us, including the woman using the walker, were speeding.”
Today, even our local supermarkets have become dangerous, in both the parking lots and the stores. The check-out lines have been relabeled fast, faster and blazingly fast. On the last line, anything in a plastic bag is charged as if it were broccoli to save time. And, have you noticed how even fresh items are now cut up in bite size, barely recognizable bits and then repackaged for rapid use? For the nimblest of us, shopping for two weeks—door to door– can be accomplished in under three minutes.
Clearly, we can no longer afford to waste time doing things. Yet our research failed to uncover a single book or magazine article that prescribed principles for saving time. It has never been discussed on daytime TV. For that reason we, at Stevieslaw, are proud to publish “Hurry,” The Less-intelligent-than-average- American Guide to Saving Time. In the guide you will learn a thousand time saving tips. The overriding principle is to
Multi-multi Task: Can you walk and chew gum? Drive and talk on the cellphone? Yes? Then, you can multi-multitask. Learn how any tasks you can string together in a sentence can be performed in tandem, even if your public school education has left you unable to spell the specific task or to understand what a sentence might be.
As samples, we offer:
1. Nutrition: Fast food is much too slow. Sandwiches are best and we will show you how to make multiple mystery meat sandwiches using precut deli products and various sliced cheeses hastily slammed between slices of precut white bread. Health nut? Slap on a piece of precut, prewashed iceberg lettuce and squeeze on some mustard if you must. With experience, you can make up to four dozen sandwiches—good for 16 days of breakfasts, lunches and dinners in less than ten minutes. A photo of the ten most common molds is included in the guide, so you will know when to move on to the next pack of sandwiches.
2. Hygiene: Showers are both time consuming and the enemy of mm-tasking. It’s hard to keep your electronics and sandwiches dry and soap free with water raining down. Bathe. Remember that only a small amount of water is necessary. The guide will introduce you to the clever concept of rarely refilling the bath tub. This is based on observing mother- nature, who never empties the ocean. Yet people bathe there all the time.
3. Birthdays and Anniversaries: Through the guide, you can buy life expectancy packages. Each pack will cover major life events for friends or loved ones over the entirety of their lives. Mail once and have their cards and gifts waiting for them, year after year!
4. Holidays: Holidays are a huge time expenditure, what with fireworks and special dinners and travel to and from places like Toledo, Ohio. In the guide, we will show you how to get it all over with quickly by bundling the holidays into a one hour slot before work on a Tuesday in October. Have a blast!
5. Health: First, understand that being perpetually frantic is the highly aerobic, so you are well on your way to good health. And fortunately, Medical schools are quickly revising their curriculums to fit in with the new rapid fire lifestyle. The next generation of graduates will be doctors, surgeons, dentists, and gurus all rolled into one and will be trained to care for all your needs while you sleep. Go to bed with a head cold and wake with a new hip!
The guide will be free this month at your local guide store. Just grab it and run. We know you can’t spare the time to pay for it and will never find the time to read it. And remember, if you find yourself enjoying something, you are clearly spending too much time on it.
*a meaningless comparison

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