Stevieslaw: At War with the Newts

Watchingforwar.com, a non-government agency, reported today that the United States is a close as it has ever come—excluding the Milo Minderbinder incident in World War II, to going to war with itself. As you may recall, Milo Minderbinder contracted with the Germans to bomb his own squadron headquarters at Pianosa, while fighting on both sides in the battle for Orvieto. Of course, that was fiction (and everyone had a share) while the current crisis in the Middle East only sounds like fiction (and only the oil companies have a share).
The U.S. is currently supporting the Saudi intervention against the Shiite, Houthi, rebels in Yemen, because if Yemen slips further into chaos it will hurt our chances to destroy the Al Qaeda faction—a Sunni group—operating within its borders. We are also backing the Iraqi and Iranian forces against the Sunni terrorist group, ISIS near Tikrit, since we can’t allow Iraq to slip further into chaos as it might show the war in Iraq was a bad idea. The Houthi are a wholly owned subsidiary of Iran, so to speak, while the reason for the existence of ISIS and Al Qaeda is grounded in a continuing religious insanity in Saudi Arabia. Said retired Admiral, Godly Black, “It looks like our strategy will be to bomb the Houthi—to support the Saudis, during the day, while bombing ISIS and Al Qaeda—to support the Iranians and Iraqis at night. Or vice-versa—it really can’t matter much. There will be no room for error,” he continued, “and I’d be very surprised if we weren’t engaged against ourselves before too long.”
Now, we at Stevieslaw have learned that this is part of an ambitious strategy to give both the Sunnis and the Shiites someone they hate more than they hate each other—America. “This is something even the existence of Israel couldn’t manage,” said Obama spokesperson, Desprit Times. “The recent desertion of many of the Shiite fighters outside Tikrit because of America’s help in bombing their Sunni enemies is a first success,” he said.
In a very closely related story, Governor Mike Pence of Indiana signed a “religious freedom bill,” designed to allow businesses to discriminate against gay people. Mike, a Republican, said “The ability to practice cruelty against those in any way different from you has been and will always be the bedrock of organized religion.”

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One Response to Stevieslaw: At War with the Newts

  1. You nailed it, Steve!

    Like

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