Invigorated by their victory in making “The Religious Freedom Act” law, the Indiana State Legislature is taking up the knotty problem of identifying sexual identity,. “It is well known among people of deep religious belief,” said Jess Usis—spokesperson, “That even inadvertently serving a hamburger with fries—hold the pickle, hold the mustard, and a vanilla shake to a gay person can consign a restaurant owner to be eternally confined to the tenth circle of hell*.” “To respond to this pressing need,” Usis continued, “The legislature is advancing a bill that will require everyone in the state to wear either a straight or gay badge, sewn on to their clothing in a prominent location. As everyone will wear a badge, Jess concluded, this law is clearly non-discriminatory. It’s just our way of introducing people to other people.”
My cousin Jerry always wanted to be a barber, but his religion (lefthairpartism) condemned those who parted their hair on the right to eternal fire (or ice—this is hotly debated still). After much soul-searching, he decided it would be best for everyone if he pursued a career sorting mail for the post-office.

*True believers agree that the tenth circle, added to alleviate the problem of overcrowding in hell, will require its residents to listen to a high definition looped tape of Elton John singing his ballads, forever