Stevieslaw: Louie says Regulations Heavy-Handed
My Southern cousin Louie, is a freakishly big man—6’7” and at least 350 pounds. Louie has had a very successful career—earning his way, on other people’s labor, through breaking and entering, fencing, pandering and fraud. Now, at age 40, with nearly 25 years of experience in his chosen field, he finds himself hampered with an ankle bracelet, a parole officer and restrictions on his every move.
The regulation of my life is “heavy-handed,” complains Louie. “Anyone with vision can see that I am too big to fail. I am special,” he whines.
Now, at the advice of his lawyer, Louie has joined 5 large global banks—Citicorp, JP Morgan Chase, Barclays PLC, Royal Bank of Scotland PLC and UBS AG—and admitted to manipulation of the currency markets. He has also pleaded guilty to mortgage lending fraud, foreclosure processing fraud, laundering drug proceeds, and violating trading with the enemy prohibitions.
“Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the Republican controlled Congress to deregulate all of us big players,” says Louie with a wink. “As soon as I get this off,” he said pointing at his ankle bracelet, “I can start a new life.” “It will be nothing but good deeds for Morgan Chase and me from here on out.”