Stevieslaw: My God
Radical fundamentalists of all stripes have certainly been in the forefront of the news this year, what with, ISIS beheading non-believers and destroying ancient ruins that offend them, the Taliban once again on the offensive in Pakghanistan, and Israelis settlers burning babies on the West Bank in an arson spree. American radical fundis have yet to hit their stride, although their hearts are in the right place. Here in Kentucky, we have a county clerk refusing to obey a Supreme Court ruling to issue marriage licenses because she is governed only by the “will of god.” What fundamentalist anywhere would have trouble identifying with that? As my Cousin Myron is fond of saying, “If god isn’t dead, he is probably contemplating suicide.”
Now, we have learned that the different radical fundamentalist groups have been engaged in a dialogue on the lively website: “ihateyoudiealready.” They plan to have it out in a year- long godoff, in which it will be determined which god reigns supreme. Each group will destroy a medium size city—drawn completely by chance, in a lottery supervised by Fox News. Imagine ISIS marching into Wichita screaming “my god is great.” Beat that you Hindus!
Some difficult decisions have already been made. Christian fundamentalists have chosen not to revive “Onward Christian Soldiers,” instead opting for a rewrite of the Ken L. Ration dog food commercial. We applaud this heartwarming, fundamentally American decision. They will march into Tabriz singing:
My god’s bigger than your god
My god’s bigger than yours
My god’s bigger and he eat lesser gods
My god’s bigger than yours.
Should be a helluva a year, provided global warming doesn’t drown us all first.