Stevieslaw: Why Boehner had to go
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has uncovered the real reason John Boehner was forced to leave the speakership and congress. Said a spokesperson for Matt Salmon, a founding member of the Freedom Caucus, “we found out that Speaker Boehner practiced yoga.” In fact, we have secret videos of him doing it. That was the last straw. The caucus had the general idea that yoga was some sort of mystical thing, so we checked with our expert on the matter—Rep. Raul Labrador’s cousin Ray, who knows all about this mystical stuff since he was bitten by a rattler the second time a year or so ago.”
“Ray confirmed that this here yoga was a sort of Aztec, Middle Eastern terrorist thing that encouraged such un-American activities as stretching and meditation. We had to get him out before the base got wind of it and the Republican brand suffered.”
“When we told Boehner we were going to come down hard on him, he seemed really calm, he just uttered something that sounded like “Namaste” and said he would resign without a fight. Then he did. We need someone in this post that favors purely American activities like football, wrestling and dog fighting and we will surely find him in our caucus.”