Stevieslaw: Claus Quits

Stevieslaw: Claus Quits
Santa Claus revealed today that he would no longer be delivering toys to boys and girls in the United States on Christmas Eve.
“My wife and some of the elves that have been with me hundreds of years staged an intervention,” said Santa. “They argued that with the number of guns currently in the US—one for each man woman and child, a mission whose intent is to deliver presents by coming down the chimney of every house in the country without warning cannot end well.” “My insurance company also threatened to cancel, if I didn’t quit.”
It has been an open secret for many years that Santa’s girth has continuously increased because of his need to don extra bullet proof vests every year before visiting the US.
“I will continue to deliver presents to children in saner nations,” said Santa. “Presents for American children will be available at the North Pole, which is equipped with sufficient metal detection equipment to make it safe.”
The response from the NRA was nearly instantaneous. “Santa is obviously in the pay of liberal extremists, who any day now will be coming for your guns.” “Mr. Claus would not be concerned if he took the simple precaution of arming himself with suitable weapons before beginning his journey—he needs to be packing.”
The Republican Presidential hopefuls weighed in, with all of them faulting Santa. Donald Trump took to the Sunday News shows to proclaim that, “I always knew that Santa Claus was a real loser.” Lindsay Graham said. “I argued that the Air Force should have shot his sleigh down years ago”. Rand Paul declared that, “free toys for children is a socialist concept that will kill jobs for hard-working-American-workers and need to be stopped, while Ben Carson asked “Who is Santa Claus?”
In a related story, Walmart announced they would be running a “so over Santa” sale for all of December 2015. “Prices will be incredible,” they trumpeted.
NNNa

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