Stevieslaw: Outing Islamic Extremists
The strong, sensitive statements by Republican hopefuls, Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush, in which they argue that only Christian refugees from Syria should be admitted to the U.S., has led to some soul searching among the members of The Texas State Board of Education. “We came face to face with the apparent contradiction that, according to our current American history textbooks, some Christians have done bad things to the nation”, said Lilly White, Texas school board spokesperson. “In response we have begun the arduous process of editing American History textbooks to reflect a new reality. We are working through our glorious history using the question—“would a Christian do this?” as a lens and when the answer is an obvious “no,” we are altering the textbook to reflect the fact that the villain involved is certainly a closet Islamic extremist. For example, Mrs. White continued, Benedict Arnold professed to be an Anglican—a Christian, yet he was the country’s first and foremost traitor. Clearly, Arnold was secretly an Islamic extremist. A similar argument can and has been made for Timothy McVeigh, who killed 183 and injured 600 in Oklahoma City. We long supposed that since McVeigh was born a Catholic, attended Mass and took last rites before his execution, that he was a Christian. But, that simply can’t be.”
“Ferreting out the secret Islamic terrorists and edited the textbooks to reflect the new story will be difficult.” admitted Lily. “For example, while nearly all slave owners offered their slaves a rewarding and enriching experience, there were some few that took advantage.” “Is it necessary to point out that there were a few Islamic extremist bad apples in the barrel?”
“In education, as goes Texas so goes the nation. And in Texas, we believe that while facts are wonderful things, it is more important to present a coherent picture of our nature as always doing right—as a shining beacon of light for the world. In this way, every little Jane and Jimmy can have a Merry Christmas. In Texas and in the nation, we can always change the facts. Just watch us.”