Stevieslaw: How to be a Billionaire
Here at Stevieslaw, we have been known to come down hard on the inanity, right-wingedness, and obliviousness of our local newspaper, The Centre Daily Times, but today I must admit their story on how to spend your Powerball winnings had everyone in the office affectionately chuckling. We are. Small Town! Lori Falce, writing for the CDT, suggested you might buy the area’s highest price house, the best car, the best bottle of wine and, of course, a 10-year lease on a luxury box at Beaver Stadium. What do you do with the remaining 996 mil, Lori?
By now, everyone else in America knows what a billion buys you. Today, in the CDT, they report that Senator Pat Toomey spent roughly 17 million on his successful 2010 election. By my calculations, your 1.5 billion winnings entitles you to ownership of one senator, four members of the House of Representatives, and any number of the State and Local officials you can stand to have in your presence. That’s all for chump change—remember you will be a member of the billionaires club. Forbes magazine listed entry into the club as the top way to reduce your tax burden to zero.
These public representatives will be at your constant beck and call—willing to repeat any nonsense you dream up at any hour of the day or night. Want to declare a hunting season for middle-eastern looking people in Central Park in April? You can have it deliberated on the floor of the senate that very day. What’s more, the news media will be anxious to pick the story up and discuss the pros and cons of the measure with all seriousness. And your own presence will be a timely addition to any of the million or so Sunday morning news shows. On Face the Nation, you can pontificate about how perseverance, good old-Americanhardworkedness, and wise choice led you to buy the winning ticket at the local convenience store, where you were stopping for gas anyway. Tell America that he main thing they must remember is, that unlike everyone else in the nation, you did not let a loss in last Wednesday’s drawing keep you from buying another ticket.
Remember, America. Winning a million or two is wonderful, but winning a billion is priceless.