Stevieslaw: The New Candidate.
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, got the news with her coffee and sardines this morning. The Association of Republican Super PACs had decided that their members must drastically change their direction. They wanted to talk.
Smokey sat down with D.K. Mony, SuperPac spokesperson. D.K. spoke candidly. He said that the positive reaction to Bernie Sanders call to get money out of politics as a top priority had bothered all of the members of the Association. “The question most asked,” he said—confiding in Smokey, “Is why people hate us?” “Sure a few of our members—probably under a dozen, have purchased the country,” he continued. “But that just guarantees stability—think of Germany in the mid-1930’s. “ “Democracy is a messy business which no one has the patience for any more.”
“We pondered that question for quite a while, until it suddenly struck us that the reason we are hated lies in our choice of people to represent us,” he said enthusiastically. “We will put more than a billion dollars into the presidential race and we’ve hired the cast of “chock-full-of nuts.” A sleepwalker, the wicked witch of the west, the pizza guy and several men that make everyone who sees or hears them instinctively go into a fetal position.”
“Why this cast,” he said, “when there are tens of thousands of unemployed actors and actresses out there.” “Their depth and knowledge,” he said with a laugh. “Their deep convictions?” “We have written the script,” he said with a smile. “Why hire a bunch of wingnut wannabees to read it?”
“Smokey,” said D.K. sincerely, “We want you to help publicize our casting call for Presidential candidates.” “We anticipate the need for a 60ish gentleman whose fine gray hair and bright eyes speak kindness and wisdom and a vivacious woman whose very manner promises friendship to each and every citizen.” “It would be best if the woman have some Latino blood—although I am sure that any good actress could fake it.”
“We need to get cracking on this,” said Mony, “As it won’t be too long before the Democratic SuperPacs catch on to this revolutionary idea.”