Stevieslaw: Cruz offers stairway to heaven
Now that it is more or less agreed among the most fervent Evangelicals that Ted Cruz has been anointed by God to be our next president, his campaign has begun to use his Messiah-like status to advantage.
Jesu Jesu, spokesperson for the Cruz campaign, told our own Smokey Diamond today that the Cruz campaign would begin offering Indulgences for campaign contributions. As we know, Indulgences, or the reduction of penance for sin, was a doctrine of the church for more than 1000 years. It reached its pinnacle in the late middle ages, when the church sent out professional pardoners to collect hard cash for the sin-relief,” he said.
“With the Ted’s blessing,” he continued, “We will continue that fine, longstanding tradition.” “We will be able to offer all sorts of Indulgences, simply based on the amount of the campaign contribution.” “For example, a contribution of $1000 and above will absolutely guarantee you a spot in heaven—so help me Ted,” he said with a smile.
When our intrepid but recently bewildered reporter pointed out that “the abuse of Indulgences by the church in the late Middle Ages was one of the causes of the Reformation,” Jesu was quick to respond with—“Act now, if you know what good for you. We cannot guarantee the low, low price of $1000 for a free pass to heaven for very long.” “It’s certain to rise after Ted wins in South Carolina.”