Stevieslaw: The NRA’s Banner Season
The research arm of the NRA has concluded that every single homicidal maniac in the nation is now armed. “We reached everyone,” said Spokesperson, Armed Hammer, “from the criminally insane actively frothing at the mouth to the quietly insane—those with a death wish and the certain knowledge that the world has been singularly unfair to them. If they all go over the edge together, their combined fire power is larger than that of all the ordinance ever expended in all the wars ever fought.”
Mr. Hammer went on to thank the little people. “If it weren’t for our friends in Congress—bought and paid for by your membership dollars, we never could have accomplished this amazing feat. They stood by us through massacre after massacre—even those massacres in which the victims were mostly small children. Please remember when voting, that we could have never reached this amazing milestone without their active and steadfast help.
With this amazing task accomplished and America well on its way to being more dangerous than Afghanistan, Armed said the NRA would initiate an outreach program. “You know the Jesuit saying—give me your child to the age of seven and I will mold the man. With that in mind, we plan to give each newborn in America a birthright present—an American flag, a framed copy of the 2nd Amendment signed by Wayne Lapierre, a real silver bullet, and a certificate for a free automatic weapon redeemable provided it is presented before the toddler’s sixth birthday.”
“The membership will boom,” he said. “Get it,” he concluded with a smile.