Stevieslaw: The Trump Thirty-five

We’ve all heard of the “freshman fifteen—“ those pounds you were sure to pack on during your first year in college. The new buzz on the block is not about college weight gain, however, but about the influence of the Trump presidency on the eating habits of liberals. My friends and I are porking up. We are eating not only in an attempt to quell the ever increasing anxiety that the craziness emanating from Washington has created—“he said what?—potato chips, he did what?—bite size snickers, but also because the meetings and protests we are attending are crammed full of comfort foods. It’s as if some wild fusion of MSNBC and the Food Network has decreed that environmental protection protests be paired with zucchini bread, while immigrant rights go best with banana nut muffins. And need we even mention the copious quantity of wine being consumed by us do-gooders, as a way to hold back the sea of new outrage.

Food scientists have estimated that the average liberal will gain as much as thirty-five pounds in the first year of the Trump show. A simple projection is that liberals, on average, will weigh at least a hundred pounds more in 2020 than they did in 2016.

Now a bunch of theorists at The Institute for Policy Studies have concluded that this weight gain was not serendipitous but was a calculated plot by the Ultra-right to push their opponents to the brink of obesity and beyond. Studies suggest that severe obesity might reduce life expectancy by 6 ½ to 14 years. Expired liberals cannot protest or vote. Also larger than life liberals might give new meaning to the term “protests rolled into Washington today.” The IPS suggests that liberals reduce their TV consumption to less than five minutes a day, stick to unbuttered popcorn and water at protest meetings, and march, march, march. Choose yoga over cabernet! Intervene when your friend orders two foot longs at Subway because of the special price.

And for god’s sake hide the “death by chocolate!” Beat the weight to beat the Trump! We can do it! Now breathe.