Stevieslaw: Pennsylvania aims to be number one

Pennsylvania is stuck at number two, behind Nevada, as the second largest gambling venue in the nation. That will soon change!

When faced with a huge budget shortfall, Pennsylvania legislators did just what my unfortunate cousin Roger did—they expanded gambling and borrowed money from Sallie “tommygun” Rodriguez. This, they reasoned, would be much preferred to taxing the Marcellus shale mining companies. House Republican spokesperson, Pade Off, said “This is a no-brainer, those companies are the key to financing our reelection campaigns.”

Now that the Republicans find their various gambling expansion methods—such as, a casino in every backyard, are not likely to provide enough cash, they are poise to adopt the “k-12 Math Skills Improvement Measure.”

“We’ve learned that we need to expand the number of gamblers,” said Mr. Off, “Not just the number of gambling venues.”

In the Republican plan, schools would introduce various games of chance into their math curriculum. It would be a “hands on” experience, with children of all ages encouraged to bring cash with the lunches.

“This is a wonderful way to improve math skills,” said Pade. “And can’t you just picture a classroom full of excited seven year olds—with little Stevie ready to roll the dice, screaming at the top of his lungs,”Come on seven, baby needs a new pair of shoes.”

So true. So true.