The Collapse of the Base

Republicans everywhere are running scared today. Our intrepid reporter, Smokey Diamond, reports that Trump has for the first time refused to supersize his lunch. Club members at his New Jersey golf resort say his short game has gone to hell. Lindsey Graham needed a Heimlich to help clear the flag pin he accidentally inhaled while nervously chewing on it. Republican Governors in the Sun Belt are planning a region-wide prayer meeting, in which citizens will link hands and implore the son of god to suit-up.

The base is in danger of crumbling? What, you might well ask could cause the base to abandon the Repubs? After all, they are fine with 5 million cases, fine with hundreds of thousands of deaths, fine with their parents and grandparents dying in isolation. They are even fine with sending their children to schools that are in no way prepared for the pandemic.

But… It has been reported that the College Football season may be a no-go. If that should happen, we at Stevieslaw are predicting that the base will finally put down their beer and cheese doodles and realize that something is wrong here. They will not be happy to watch reruns of the 1984 season.

They will be out on the streets chanting—What do we want? Football! When do we want it? Now! They will loot sporting goods stores and throw old trophies at the National Guard.

And they will be anxious to vote those bastards out.