Newsbriefs You May Have Missed: 12. Tom Corbett takes aim at the State of the Union

12. Republicans rush to pass “The Every Child Waits His Turn Act.”

Jan Murphy writing for The (Harrisburg) Patriot-News reported this morning that newly elected Republican Governor Tom Corbett will propose as much as 1 billion dollars in school funding cuts this year.  Pennsylvania is facing a huge budget shortfall, and by the rules it invented for itself, must close the shortfall without raising taxes in any way.  Ima Liar, the governor’s spokesperson, said “Tom Corbett got the idea for cutting education spending after listening to President Obama’s State of the Union Speech.”  “His working principle is that if the President says something is essential, it isn’t.” Liar said that rather than following the “hopey, dopey” messages the President delivers, it is important to prepare Pennsylvania’s children for the real work situation likely for Americans in the 21st century, in which poorly educated Americans will work for very low wages producing substandard products for the more prosperous people in India and China.

Silas Marner, speaking for the Republican run, Pennsylvania State legislature said, “We were initially concerned that much of the State funding cut would have to be made up in increased property taxes. This is a consequence of a little known economic rule that requires the money we spend to come from somewhere.”  “While admitting that the legislature had not anticipated this,” Marner was quick to point out, “we have found an equitable way around it.” “The key is to keep enrollment fixed.  Initially, we thought that just educating male children would be the way to keep enrollment down, but that was surprisingly unpopular among the female legislators.”  “Instead, we will push through the “Every Child Waits His Turn Act,” in which enrollment is fixed in the public schools at one million students, and every child, at age 5 is added to a waiting list for the next available public school opening.” “Those with sufficient incomes might,” he said with a wink, “wish to send their children to private schools, and that would be allowed under the new law.”

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