Stevieslaw Exclusive: National Rifle Association to Push Childhood Education

NRA Plan to Save Millions in Unnecessary Background Checks.

Jim Vetuno of the Associated Press reports from Texas today that the State Legislature is working to pass a bill to allow guns on College campuses.  The need is clear for State Senator, Jeff Wentworth, who said the bill will prevent a situation, “…where some deranged suicidal madman goes into a building and is able to pick off totally defenseless kids like sitting ducks.”  As a Texas A&M senior is quoted as saying, “Gun-free zones are shooting galleries for mass murderers.”

Now, our own investigative reporter, Smokey Diamond*, heavily armed and dressed in the latest body armor, has braved the gun-free zones still out there to get the rest of the story.  He spoke with John Wayne Heston, national spokesperson for the NRA, who said, “The Texas law is good news of course, but it doesn’t go nearly far enough.” “We feel the best place to start protecting defenseless kids is in the nation’s nursery schools.”  Heston went on to say, “We look at 3 to 5 year olds as our target group.” “We realize that early childhood education of these toddlers will be needed to make them responsible gun-toters as quickly as possible, and we believe that Federal Governments should pony up for the cost, as this represents a clear Homeland Security issue.”

Heston went on more conversationally to say, “Kids of that age are learning to use a knife and fork—how much more difficult could it be to teach them to draw and shoot?”  “Also, toddlers are always bumping heads.”  “They are quick to anger and rage and, being armed, they will be able to face up to these feelings as men.”  “What better learning experience could we ever ask for? “Finally, Heston noted, “As toddlers do not have a past worth checking, we will save a small fortune on any of these ridiculous mandatory background checks for weapons ownership—once approved, always approved.”

*Happily, Smokey made it back to our studio without getting gunned down this time.

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