Smokey Diamond, our versatile investigative reporter, attended services this Sunday at the New Church of Jesus Christ, Businessman, in downtown Manhattan at a former Union Hall. CEO, Oscar Meyer, explained that the church is founded on a single principle, “Thou Shalt Take No Action to Reduce Corporate Profits.” Meyer said, “The church is growing by leaps and bounds—Tea Partiers, Republicans, Corporate Leaders and many average Americans who have been led to believe that they will someday be as wealthy as Donald Trump and will have a good shot at bedding Sarah Palin.” “Our sermons are often given by influential people in the public eye. For example, this week Pennsylvania governor, Tom Corbett, will speak on Environmental Regulations—Who Needs Them, while next week, Scott Walker of Wisconsin will get everyone fired up with, “Satan in the Classroom, or Unions For Never.”
Smokey was given a tour of the church after the sermon. The first floor, a male only reserve, was split into sections with preferred seating given on the basis of level of contribution. General seating for females is “on a floor not far below the main level,” said Meyer. “Minority seating is, as always, in the basement. We have established what we like to call, “token seats,” for women and minorities along the outer walls of our main level.”
Meyer said that the church is currently running an on-line and brick and mortar book and record store, where churchgoers can purchase inspirational material. “We have no bible to speak of,” he said, “but prefer to read from sacred autobiographical texts.” “Last week’s book was a study of Henry Ford, entitled—Not as Anti-Semitic as You Were Led to Believe.” “And as you well know, said Oscar, we already own a TV Network—Fox News.” “Fair and balanced,” he chuckled.
Before leaving the church, Smokey reported, he was, as all middle class church members are, held upside down by his ankles and shaken down. The money that fell out of his pockets was reverently collected and placed in the “send a CEO to Maui fund.”