Stevieslaw: CDT to Change Format
Smokey Diamond, our intrepid reporter, has just learned that our local newspaper, the CDT, will be changing its format over the next few days. The current format, which consists of two sections—News and Sports—supplemented on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays with various throwaways, will change as of January 6th. The first, and critically important section, will now be entitled PSU Football News.
Don T. Beliveit, spokesperson for the CDT explained that, “Penn State Football has and, we believe, will dominate the local news over an entire year, not just during the season. Our readers have complained that it is just too much trouble to pick out the important football news—players, coaches, scandals—from the flotsam and jetsam of other daily events, and we have responded.” “Other important items in our paper— the Sudoku, the Jumble and Dear Abby will appear in a single page addendum to the first section, while the font size on the bridge column and the comics will be continuously reduced, with the hope that they will soon go away.”
“Other sports and news items will be presented in bullet format in a second small section using a variety of “action” verbs. Many of the same verbs apply— for example, “Buccaneers sink Midshipmen” is equally applicable to a sporting event or a pirate incident off the coast of Somalia, and clever editing may allow us to keep the number of daily bullets to four or five.” Sometimes, just printing a word, as in “Terrorists!” will clearly be enough.”
“Other very important events, such as another Penn State team—Wrestling or Volleyball, for example—winning a National Championship, or for that matter, the Penn State Men’s Basketball team beating a ranked opponent, will be handled with a special issue,” he concluded.